MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

Greetings All,

Well, the adventure is over. I safely returned from Afghanistan on May 2^nd, 2013, 413 days after I departed on my great journey. I am glad to say the Afghanistan chapter of my life is closed, as far as I can tell, and I am beginning another new and exciting chapter.

413 days is a long time. There were of course good days and bad days, and some better than others. But most days were just work days, plugging along in a mission I hope improved a nation that ranked at the bottom of every feasible list of attributes in 2000. In 12 years, the world has done a lot of work to fix Afghanistan, and I am glad I played a role. As a co-worker once said, “The days go by slow, but the months pile up quickly.”

That they did.

On a personal level, I am glad to be home. It was an arduous trip, as most journeys across the world are. 18 hours in an airplane is never easy, especially when you are on a one-way trip from a nation known for terrorism to the United States sporting a beard that is almost a foot long. And yes, I was stopped by the powers that be. I was searched by security in London during a layover and then hassled by a customs agent in Miami. It was an interesting exchange that went something like this:

Customs Agent: So where are you coming from?

Me: Afghanistan

Customs Agent: What were you doing over there?

Me: I can’t tell you that.

Customs Agent: Was it secret work?

Me: You could say that.

Customs Agent: What agency did you work for?

Me: I can tell you my company, but that’s it.

Customs Agent: How long were you there?

Me: 14 months.

Customs Agent: That’s longer than a year.

Me: Yes, it is.

Customs Agent: You can go.

Me: Thank you.

Sure, I could have told him more, but after being awake through two nine-hour flights and an eight-hour layover in Dubai, I didn’t want to be bothered by some second-rate security guard in my home state.

Anyway, after I made it through the loving embrace of security and landed in Orlando, I was welcomed by my parents and little nephew. It was so good to see them. They had a balloon for me and everything. Although it wasn’t as emotional as surprising them in Washington DC in October, just seeing them again was so cool.

I spent my first week home in the Sea View Motel, a small, privately-owned, beautiful, quiet beach motel in Melbourne Beach, Florida, about 30 minutes from my parents and as far away from the world as I could be. Every night after dinner with my folks, I went back to the hotel, drank a beer or two, and relaxed to the sound to the waves. And I slept. A lot. I slept for over 10 hours twice and over 8 hours every day I was at the Sea View. It was the perfect place to relax, walk along the water, and forget Afghanistan. Highly recommended, and not just if you are returning from a warzone.

After checking out of the Sea View Motel, I returned to Tampa to complete some company paperwork and say hello to friends. Although I stopped by my workplace, I was definitely still in vacation mode. I met friends at a Tampa Bay Rays game, hung out in Tampa’s Ybor City, went to a rock concert, went to a comedy show at the Tampa Improv, and closed the week by seeing my brother do his pro wrestling thing. It was great going out and being social again, and so glad I could plan it all in the same week. It worked out perfect.

(Side note 1: I did a write up for the concert I went to for the Tampa Bay Times. It was published here:

Review: Clutch unite metal fans old and new at the State Theatre in St. Petersburg)

(Side note 2: Before I left, I would see my brother do his pro wrestling thing every month. When I returned to boo him, so many people who work for the promotion and other wrestling fans welcomed me back. They asked me how I was and how my adventure was and they said it was great to have me back. That was heartwarming. So a big thanks to wXw Wrestling and the fine folks there.)

Following the second week of my “vacation”, I realized it was time to get back into the swing of things. Although I wasn’t back to top speed in regards to dealing with the fast paced American society, I was still eager to move on. Following a brief trip to New York this past weekend for a memorial service, that leads me to where I am now.

I am still looking for a place to live. I am still looking for a job. I am still hoping to get accepted into the University of South Florida Masters of Business program and start classes in the fall. I know all of these things will come in time. They are all part of the next chapter.

And now, as I close the book on the Afghanistan chapter and return to the American way of life, I am definitely excited to be back and to see what this new chapter has to offer.

A few months ago, a friend asked me several questions about staying in touch while in Afghanistan. Since I am or was sort of a subject matter expert in that, I provided my thoughts and answers.

What are some of your biggest challenges with communicating back home?

Do you find yourself telling the same stories and updates to everyone and it drives you nuts telling it over and over?

What do guys who are deployed usually need from their family?

Items, encouragement, money, all of the above?

What is the biggest pain there when it comes to staying in touch back here?

Wow. Those are great questions. First, it depends on the base. Some headquarters bases are more linked up than others. I was in one near the city of Kabul that the web was pretty good. My current base is slower, much slower. Trying to download anything, for example, times out.

So that is a challenge. And I would assume more so in the more rural smaller bases. Otherwise, FB, gchat, and skype are usually the prime communication tools. Some people even have wifi on their iphones. It is amazing seeing people stay in touch. I hope that answers question 1.

In regards to question 2, I usually talk to so few people online via skype that I usually don’t have to tell the same stories. The blog helps too. But sometimes it’s ok telling the same thing over again. It means they are asking, which is better than them not, I guess. Some people have no clue what to ask people out here and that’s usually more of a challenge.

Things most people get excited about is food, pictures, just things that remind them of home. Not sure how much is needed, outside of the emotional. This is the toughest mental thing I have ever done, personally. Not sure about the typical military folks, though.

Not much is a big pain when it comes to staying in touch, personally, outside of just being outside the rhythm of the people you care about. A year is tough as people go different ways. But other than that. Probably the connection itself.

Still catching up with interesting links I set aside while in Afghanistan:

According to ABC News, CONEX living is being used in Detroit.

Shipping Containers to Become Condos in Detroit

As you can see in the below pic, I lived in a container. I lived there for just short of seven months. Not the most comfortable place, but it’s not bad. The only difference seems to be that while I had to go to an outside public bathroom, these Detroit container homes seem to have their own plumbing.

During my second week of joyous bacchanalia back in the United States, I attended a few extracurricular activities. I attended a Tampa Bay Rays game, a comedy open mic, a comedy performance by comedian Brian Posehn, and a rock concert by heavy metal band Clutch.

This was the second time I have seen Clutch in the Tampa Bay area, both at State Theater in St Petersburg. Last time, I wrote about the concert and some other hijinks on this blog. This time, I was able to write about it on the Tampa Bay Times “Soundcheck” blog.

Check it out.

Clutch unite metal fans old and new at the State Theatre in St. Petersburg – Tampa Bay Times

Still catching up with links and posts I wasn’t able to get to due to slow internet connections in Afghanistan.

In February, defense blogger Spencer Ackerman wrote a post dissecting the Battle of Hoth from Empire Strikes Back. Ackerman details all of Darth Vader’s military mistakes, from the initial entry into the Hoth system to his allowance of letting Luke Skywalker escape. According to Ackerman, the entire battle was a debacle and “a classic fiasco of overconfidence and theology masquerading as military judgment — and the exact opposite of the Empire striking back.”

The comments are priceless as well.

The bottom line is that Vader is still as impulsive as he was before he donned the get-up of a Dark Lord of the Sith. He doesn’t trust those with years of military service and leads based on emotion, not strategy.

Shortly after, Ackerman hosted a forum to responses from other military bloggers. Many of these bloggers disagreed with Ackerman and pointed to the Empire’s other military losses as bigger or more pivotal. Only one pointed out Vader and the Emperor had different goals by invading Hoth: the Emperor wanted to squash the Rebellion and Vader wanted to capture Luke. This is an interesting perspective. And I am not sure I agree.

Perhaps the Emperor didn’t mind the failure and wanted Vader to drive the Rebels about. Maybe the entire outcome of A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back were the design of the Emperor as the entire Sith-Jedi conflict. As he says “Everything is going as I have seen it.”. Maybe the Sith Lord wanted to Luke to find Yoda for him as the Emperor hadn’t weeded out the little green Jedi since the end of the Clone Wars.

By orchestrating the invasion of Hoth, perhaps the Emperor really wanted to bring out Yoda from Dagobah and lure him to Coruscant where he could finish business with the Jedi Master and steal his apprentice. Then he could kill off Vader, and Luke and the Emperor could rule the galaxy as “rule of two” Sith Lords.

Of course, I’ve done all of this rabbit-hole analysis before and ended at the same point.

(Picture from the Graphic Firing Table blog.)

Now that I am back from Afghanistan (more on that later!), I am catching up with all the videos I couldn’t watch due to the slow internet connection on far-off military bases. Here is one from December 2012 from Scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson’s Star Talk youtube show:

This is more of the type of stuff I need to watch more of. I am resisting the urge to get hooked on any reality tv garbage or shows that don’t stimulate the mind at all.

Back in high school, people I worked with at the local McDonalds called me “Waldo”. Many moons later, fast forward to the present day, or at least sometime around now. The world famous Snowman of the AfroSquad got funky with the keys, brushed the dust off my long-forgotten moniker, and used my smiling mug in a “Where’s Jordi?” photoshop.

By the time you find me on here the real me should be on the move again, like an airborne Willie Nelson flying the skyways of tomorrow through the hours of past to a land ahead in time. Not sure where, but that’s the mystery!

Are you lost yet?

Once I had lived there for 411 days. Or something like that …

By the way, Clutch will be touring Florida in the second week of May.

Finally national media is addressing a scourge on the world of social arts.

Thank you, Jarrett Bellini of CNN.com for discussing the use of cell phones at concerts. I have no problem with the occasional picture, but nothing is more annoying than those people who keep their phone in the air to “record” entire concerts. It impedes other concert goers’ view of the show and it is damn distracting. It’s bad enough people hold their phones up instead of lighters for ballads and other slow-tempo songs, but keeping phones up for the duration of performances in order to post a third-rate bootleg video on youtube that no one will watch should be grounds for ejection from the venue.

Thank you again, Jarrett Bellini.

Apparently This Matters: At concerts, put that cell phone down - CNN.com

To quote professional music photographer Todd Owyoung:

Let’s be honest – your phone takes mediocre snap on a good day. I’m not blaming you (I, too, have an iPhone) – but your phone’s camera sucks. Besides, no one behind you wants to stare at your upheld arm unless you’re throwing up metal horns. And maybe not even then.

Dear all,

Today I received a unit coin from the military unit I’ve supported for the last few months. I got a handshake from the colonel, a certificate of appreciation, and a few warm “thank you”s. That can only mean one thing: my time is coming to a close. It is almost time for me to go.

I passed 99% of my time out here yesterday. I’m officially a one-percenter now. Not in the economic way, of course, although they do pay well for those willing to volunteer to work in a war zone halfway across the world. But I am a 1%’er as in I can see the finish line. It’s right there. A few days away.

If you have kept up with my blogging or emails throughout this adventure, you know I have learned a lot. I’ve met a lot of great people, many of whom I might never see again. I’ve learned a lot and become smarter, both in my job and about this part of the world. There was recently a comment by a senior general in Washington who said when he planned to visit the top general in Afghanistan he would ask if the general in Afghanistan had learned anything. If the general in Afghanistan said “no”, the Washington general was going to admit he picked the wrong man for the job. That’s the reality out here. You have to learn and you have to stay fluid, flexible, and adapt to whatever comes your way. That was the only way I stayed sane. I learned you can’t control a war zone, especially one with this many moving parts. I just tried to stay on top of the wave and not drown.

My interaction with the locals on the bases is also a part of my adventure I won’t soon forget. From working with Afghan government officials on my first base to just saying “hello” and “thank you” to the Afghans who work on the base laundry center or at the dining facility, they have all been great people and I wish them the best. I hope they can live in a place that let’s them live healthy and prosperous lives. I think if just one person is able to look back at the US intervention in Afghanistan since 2001 and say that their life is better than it was under the Taliban or during the civil war, then we have done our job. And if that person is a woman who is able to attend school, walk independantly down the street, divorce out of her arranged marriage, and even move out of Afghanistan if she wanted, then we have done very well.

As for me, I have a whole new road ahead. I have to determine which way I want to go. Do I want to keep going along the same career path I’ve been on? Will I be able to with budget cuts and other Department of Defense rearranging? I’ve put in an application to an MBA program. I thought about going back to school a few years ago, only I didn’t due to financial restraints. Now I have the money, and an MBA would be great for career flexibility. And as I am working on that, maybe one of my creative endevours will pay off.

Speaking of, as I mentioned in a previous blog post, the rough draft of my first book is done. It’s very, very, very rough and will require a lot of re-writing and editing. But the plot and the characters are there. When finished, I don’t want to self-publish this. I want to look for a real publisher and maybe even look to get published. I think my story is that good and now I have to convince someone else that it is as well.

I also definitely want to get back into comedy wherever I end up. Between watching a documentary on great Boston stand-up comics such as Steven Wright and Denis Leary and keeping in touch with Michael James Nelson, a former co-writer of mine at the FSU newspaper who wrote the jokes for the recent MTV Movie Awards, I again have the itch to get on stage and attempt to make someone (yup, just one person) laugh.

I’m also getting an itching to see some live music, a comedy show, a pro wrestling show, and a baseball game or two. All of which I should be seeing in the first few weeks after I get back.

What I don’t have the itching for is work. But we will see about that after I spend a week at the beach and then a few weeks in Tampa catching up with friends. I guess I’ll have to work again at some point, but after seven months of 12-hour days and the stress and wear and tear of Afghanistan, I just want a vacation.

And that will start in a few days.

In conclusion, it’s been fun, it’s been a great experience, but now it’s time to say good-bye to all my Afghan family:

M-i-c-h-a-e-l L-o-r-t-z

Michael Lortz