MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

The Major League Baseball 2007 Hall of Fame Ballot has been released. In January 2007, media members from around the country will vote on 31 former ballplayers and decide who will be immortalized in Cooperstown and who will be just a side note in the Baseball Encyclopedia.

Although we don’t have a vote, The Serious Tip has perused the careers of these great ballplayers and found 12 under-the-radar candidates worthy of calling the Baseball Hall of Fame home next summer.
(Obviously, we will not be discussing Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripken, Jr., both of whom will be inducted and are very much deserving. And since Mark McGwire lives only in the now like a Zen monk and will not talk about the past, we won’t talk about him either.)

Harold Baines – smooth hitting outfielder/ DH 1980-2001.
Good player, good career, but better known for making a mockery of the idea of “retiring” numbers for active players when he had is number “retired” with the White Sox and then came back to play with them twice more, “un-retiring” his number each time.

Lee Smith – closer supreme 1980-1997.
Although being number 2 in all-time saves will get him the votes, his work as the South African pitching coach in the World Baseball Classic made him an international superstar. Who knew?

Dante Bichette – power hitting outfielder 1988-2001.
A true pioneer, Bichette was one of the first Colorado Rockies to discover Denver’s light air made baseballs fly. Rumor has it the Colorado Rockies’ original general manager was going to build the team on bunts and stolen bases before Bichette, Ellis Burks, and Andres Galarragga began using the altitude to their advantage.

Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius – a.k.a. The Ex-Yankees.
As individuals neither garnered much attention, but together, these two hard-nosed, uber-intense journeymen became super heroes when they rediscovered the Yankee Way and helped the Yankees win a bunch of World Series. Oddly enough neither drank like Mickey Mantle or Billy Martin, or ate like Babe Ruth. I thought that was the Yankee Way.

Albert Belle – power hitting outfielder/DH 1989-2000.
One word: Intimidation. Any guy who ran down kids on Halloween, threw balls at fans, and stalked a former escort would make the perfect Yang to the Yin of likable Hall probables Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn. And as an added bonus, the scowl on Belle’s Cooperstown bust will serve to scare future wayward kids from a life of crime.

Bret Saberhagen – starting pitcher 1984-2001.
In 1994, had more wins (14) than walks (13). It was his only good even-numbered season as he was known for having good seasons in odd numbered years. 2007 is an odd number.

Bert Blyleven – starting pitcher 1970-1992.
Statistically known for winning 287 games and striking out a bunch of hitters, Blyleven has made even more headlines for his “off-color” comments as a Twins broadcaster. Anyone who talks about showering with Hall of Famer George Brett has unlimited induction speech upside.

Bobby Bonilla – outfielder 1986-2001.
One word: Thievery. The recent Florida State University buy-out of Jeff Bowden pales in comparison to how Bonilla will be fleecing the Mets until he is in his 70s. According to media reports, Bonilla will make 1.2 million dollars a year from 2011 to 2035 to not play for the Mets.

Jim Rice – power hitting outfielder/DH 1974-1989.
Hit a bunch of homers, drove in a bunch of runs, and did pretty well in the field. With the doors of the Hall open to fellow surly media antagonist Eddie Murray a few years back, the road should be paved for Rice. Can you imagine a more intimidating Hall of Fame class than Albert Belle, Lee Smith, and Jim Rice? Those guys would scare the bejeezus out of Shaft, Jim Brown, and Dolemite.

Ken Caminiti – steroid-enhanced 3rd baseman 1987-2001.
“This guy here is dead.”
“Cross him off then.”
Yes, dear reader, I am going to hell.

Jose Canseco – steroid-enhanced outfielder/DH 1986-2001.
If staring in the Commodore 64 classic Steve Garvey vs. Jose Canseco: Grand Slam Baseball, having his own 1-800 phone line, once trying to catch a ball with his head, or being the only Hall of Fame candidate ever to appear on VH1’s Surreal Life doesn’t sway the voters, his tell-all book on steroid use in baseball in the 1990s should get Canseco his own wing in the Hall of Fame.

- Jordi

Although watching penguins march is fun and clubbing baby seals never gets old (kidding!), living in South Central Antarctica does have it’s drawbacks. For one, we here at the Serious Tip never get any mail. So it was with a smile on our face and a tear in our eye that we received an e-mail from Mrs. Joan Taylor of Chelsea, England. Read on, jealous ones – we are going to be rich!

For your enjoyment, here is Mrs. Taylor’s e-mail and the first thoughts to cross my mind when I read it:
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From: Madam Joan Taylor.
4 Old Church Street,
Chelsea, SW3,
England.

Good Day,
(And a pleasant day to you ma’am.)

Here writes Madam Joan Taylor, suffering from Cancerous ailment.

I am married to Engineer Silas Hines an Englishman who is dead.

(Well now don’t you mean WAS married. So you are single now? How you doing?)

My husband was into private practice all his life before his death. Our life together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament.

(You are in luck. I am as down-trodden, less-privileged, physically disabled, and financially predictable as they come.)

I can adduce this to the fact that he needed a Child from this relationship, which never came.

(I bet that made you feel guilty for 30 years. Did he ever let you live that down? You didn’t kill him, did you?)

When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 10 Million Pounds (Ten Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling) which were derived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to the (LUCAMEA) cancerous problems I am suffering from. Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the cancer.

(So you have 10 million pounds and God is raining illnesses on you? Did your husband steal from the Vatican or something? It really sucks to be you. Maybe God is punishing you for being a non-child bearing gold digger.)

With this hard reality that has befallen my family and me, I have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially.

(Wow. Thanks. 10 million pounds? I’ll just sell the orphans to slave trade, use that money to hook up the widows with the widowers, get the destitute to sell crack, use that money to rent a clown for the down-trodden, pay the financially handicapped to raid Nickelodeon studios and end Double Dare’s physical challenge so no more children can be physically challenged, and spend the rest on the barren-women, provided they have a pole or two to dance on.)

It is often said that blessed is the hand that giveth.

(Giveth hand jobs? Yes, indeed. Blessed is that hand. But please continue …)

I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision.

(Mrs. Taylor I totally agree. To parphrase the great Tug McGraw “70% I will spend on women, whiskey, and weed. I’ll probably waste the rest.”)

I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on. The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating health and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me, because I do not want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

(Except finding a decent anti-spam program. God hasn’t let us figure that one out yet.)

As soon as I receive your reply through this my confidential email Address: I shall give you the contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have stated herein. Hope to hear from you very soon and God bless you and members of your family.

(Thank you so much Mrs. Taylor. It’s too bad you are going to die soon. You might want to try that having a baby thing with someone a bit younger. There isn’t much to do here and there is no one to else around. Just you and your LUCAMEA and me and my loneliness.)

Yours sincerely
Mrs. Joan Taylor.
Email Address: joantaylor20005@yahoo.co.uk
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So should I reply to my prospective sugar momma? Or should I hold out for Reese Witherspoon to visit my Antarctic abode? Decisions, decisions.

- Jordi

One of the more creative ad campaigns in recent years has come to us courtesy of Emerald Nuts. These catchy ads, described here and here and seen here, provide plays on either the initials of Emerald Nuts (E.N.) or the entire spelling of the brand name (E.M.E.R.A.L.D. N.U.T.S.). In honor of the Florida State University football program and its potential advancement to the heralded Emerald Nuts Bowl Game this year, we here at The Serious Tip feel an Emerald Nuts tribute to the Seminoles and the University is in order. Here are a few FSU/Emerald Nuts jingles we’d like to share:

E.N.

Ending Non-ranked
or
Ending Nepotism

Elderly No-faults

Extinct Non-drinkers

Endangered Noles

E.M.E.R.A.L.D. N.U.T.S.

Eventually Many Elderly Retire And Live Down Nosediving University Team Sport

Exotic Miami Entertainers Relax Alumni Lovingly During Noles’ Ugly Terrible Shutout

Educated Men’s Emails Reveal Administration Let Donors Negatively Undermine Terrible Season

Eager Men Envy Raucously At Ladies Directed Now Under The Sterger

EBay Manipulates Eager Reporters And Lower Donations Neuter Underachieving Terrible Son

(If you don’t know how eBay has affected the FSU football program, click here.)
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Have your own FSU/ Emerald Nuts jingle you would like to share? Either drop us a comment or e-mail us at theserioustip@yahoo.com. We’ll post all suggestions on the eve of the Great Emerald Nuts Bowl Game. Need help keeping the letters straight? Go to the “Make Your Own E.N.” link on Emerald Nuts.com. Gracias.

- Jordi

Apparently the Mets have enacted the revolving door policy this offseason. Either Omar Minaya is trying to burn all his phone’s free minutes or he is getting advice on roster stability from Isiah Thomas. Either way, this Thanksgiving, as my family sits around the table, I’ll be thankful my Mets haven’t made any dumb trades with the Devil Rays – yet.
Here is a round-up of the offseason’s transactions. And there have been a few:

This offseason the Mets have (in reverse chronological order):

- Signed outfielder Moises Alou to a one-year contract.

My two cents: I never thought Alou was all that good, even when he was good. Now he is better suited for the American League as a DH or on a company softball team. He is completely one-dimensional when healthy, which is rare. And did I mention he is over 40? What happened to baseball players actually getting old? On the positive side, Moises speaks Spanish, so he will fit in.

- Acquired pitchers Jason Vargas and Adam Bostick from the Florida Marlins for pitchers Matt Lindstrom and Henry Owens.

My take: Word of warning when dealing with the Marlins: they don’t trade good pitchers. Have you ever seen a Marlins prospect since Trevor Hoffman blossom somewhere else? It doesn’t happen. But the Mets traded young arms with them anyway. Ok, let’s talk about Vargas for a moment. He went 5-5 with a 4.03 ERA in 2005 and showed a bit of promise. Then he became expendable when the Marlins’ other young pitchers settled into Florida’s rotation in 2006. It doesn’t help that Vargas also regressed last year, going 1-2 with a 7.33 ERA and walking 30 in 43 innings. Sounds like another Rick Peterson control problem project. Could end up as a spot starter, swingman to replace Heath Bell and/or Royce Ring. Whoopee. Moral of the story: unless the Marlins have just won a World Series and are giving away players, don’t call them.

- Claimed pitcher Jason Standridge off waivers from the Cincinnati Reds.

My analysis: Ok, from 2001 through 2004, this guy bounced up and down with the Devil Rays and couldn’t stay on the team. Bad sign. Seemed to be alright with the Reds in 2004 and 2006 with a stint in Texas in 2005. I’d be surprised he makes the team in March. On a positive note, he did go 9-1 with a 2.19 ERA during his senior season at Hewitt-Trussville High School in Trussville, AL. Go Jason.

- Signed infielder Damion Easley to a one-year contract.

My opinion: Hasn’t hit over .240 since 2001. Can play the entire infield and even played an inning in RF. Ladies and gentleman, this year’s Joe McEwing. And did I mention he is 37? The Mets’ bench should just apply to AARP as a group and see if they can get a discount.

- Acquired outfielder Ben Johnson and pitcher Jon Adkins from the San Diego Padres for pitchers Heath Bell and Royce Ring.

Analysis: I am disappointed. This is not the same Ben Johnson who was stripped of his medal in the 1988 Olympics. This Ben Johnson was a prospect with the Padres who had a cup of coffee with them the last two years. Interesting note: according to MLB.com, he injured his left shoulder in a outfield collision with Mike Cameron on July 1 vs. San Francisco, causing him to miss 22 games. He should get along well with Carlos Beltran.

- Resigned El Duque.

Analysis: I do like El Duque, but he is 83 years old. He was old when he came from Cuba. Let’s just keep him in St. Lucie until July, then warm him up and put him in the rotation in August. He is only good in the postseason anyway.

- Resigned Jose Valentin.

Analysis: A pleasant surprise last year. Another geriatric veteran. Baseball and reality are totally opposite sometimes: in baseball, the elderly end up in New York. In real life, they end up in Boca Raton.

- Jordi

Although The Man will never get his corporate hands on The Serious Tip, we are not above informing the general public about some products we feel are under-recognized. Whereas you may already be aware of such Serious Tip favorites as the spork, Parliament-Funkadelic, and the beautiful Keely Coles, here is our pitch for another underrated entity: the United States Basketball League, or the USBL.

Let’s All Buy the USBL

Ever wanted to own your own league? I’m not talking about a fantasy, pick-a-player-and-hope-he-does-well league, I mean a real professional basketball league. Here is your chance. The United States Basketball League is for sale. Well, not actually for sale, but shares are available for purchase on the U.S. Stock Exchange.

Do you have 95 cents? That’s all it takes to buy a share of the USBL. I know you have 95 cents. Check between the cushions of your couch. Check your pants. Check your other pants. Check your kid’s piggy bank (they’ll understand). Found 95 cents? Good. Let me tell you why you should invest that hefty chunk of change in the USBL. But first:

What is the USBL, you ask?

According to its web site, USBL.com, the USBL, nicknamed “The League of Opportunity,”is “the premiere summer league, offering a sound transition from the college to the professional game.” Running from late April (after the conclusion of the collegiate basketball season) until late June (before the start of NBA rookie and free agent camps), the USBL provides the opportunity for players to improve and showcase their skills for the National Basketball Association, Continental Basketball Association, D-League, and International clubs around the world. The USBL has been the springboard for numerous professional playing careers. Among the famous USBL alumni are former NBA players 7ft 7in Manute Bol, 5ft 7in Spud Webb, John “Hot Rod” Williams, and Michael Adams, current NBA players Mike James and Darrell Armstrong, and internationally renown Kobe Bryant antagonist Raja Bell.

The USBL website also states the league not only helps players make the next level, but also benefits personnel. “In addition to player development, the USBL offers opportunities for coaches, referees, and front office administrative personnel seeking to further their respective careers.” So it’s a win-win for everyone, even the losers.
And now:

The Top Four Reasons You Should Buy A Part of the USBL

Sun Ming Ming

Taller than fellow countryman Yao Ming, Sun Ming Ming is the tallest player in professional basketball history. At 7ft 9in, Dodge City Legend center Sun Ming Ming is two inches taller than former Washington Bullets phenom and Billy Crystal buddy Gheorge Muresan. As a matter of fact, Sun Ming Ming is only 14 inches shorter than the tallest man in recorded history. Just as Shaq’s size allowed him to dominate over average NBA centers, Sun Ming Ming’s height and his ability to dunk without having to jump should mean instant domination. And you know you want to own a piece of that action.

Competition in the ‘Burbs

Tired of having to battle city traffic to get to an NBA game? You are not alone. In a recent fictitious survey, 76% of fans cited traffic as the number three reason they don’t attend more NBA games (the top two reasons: having to look at Sam Cassell and no swaying during the national anthem). Fortunately, the USBL plays in smaller metropolitian areas such as Albany, New York; Scranton, Pennsylvania; and Kearney, Nebraska. No team in your area? For only $200,000 you can start your own USBL franchise. Who says you need that new house? Tell the wife you are buying a basketball team. She will understand.

Majority Rules

Currently, the NBA is under the rule of Stalin-esque strongman David Stern. As a shareholder of the USBL, you will be privy to many decisions affecting the appearance, rules, and other aspects of the United States Basketball League. Want players to play with untucked jerseys? Vote for it. Want to change the type of ball they use? Vote for that. You can even propose MTV rock’n'jock basketball rules and their 10 point basket. But please, don’t vote for that.

The Cure for Your Basketball Jones

The USBL starts in late April and ends in late June. For fans of the Knicks, Hawks, Celtics, Sonics, and other cellar-dwelling teams, this is a very depressing time. A time that while some teams begin their parade towards championship glory, others start scheduling tee-times and designing cheap sneakers. Your investment in the USBL will help bring this league of opportunity to the forefront and help feening sports fans in cities of sadness get through their woeful times. Sure it’s not LeBron James or Kobe Bryant, but how can you not be excited to see the Brooklyn Kings’ “The Other” Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Northeastern Pennsylvania Breaker Garrett “Don’t Call Me Sammy” Farha?

Before I finish my Sally Struthers pitch for the United States Basketball League, remember, for 95 cents you can feed three starving Somali kids for a week, or you can invest in the USBL. The choice is yours.

These USBL fans need your support.

Thanks to a new Deadspin.com post, a new moral quandry has emerged. With all apologies to Eric Clapton and Chuck Norris, there has come to light two entities of such God-like power, philosophers can only speak of them in hushed tones. So from the fine print of page 187 of William Blake’s forgotten prose, The Serious Tip proudly presents:

Lemmy Kilmister’s North Hykeham Motorheads vs. Da Bears of Mike Ditka.

Rise child for the horns of heaven sound!
All must bow in great glory
Ever-present Peter
Guardian of the Gates
Let those of heaven join us
Take a place in the stands
And witness
A collision of the Gods awaits

On the sidelines one
The players of North Hykeham
Born of recent birth
Come forth to Ace of Spades
These sons of Lemmy Kilmister
Invincible
The Motorhead Football Squad

But alas across the field of play
Hailing from Chicago land
A formidable foe
Of whom the Earth itself fears
None dare speak lightly of
Da Bears of legend and lore
Lead by one Mike Ditka

Although their sports differ
Satan himself would have fallen to his knees
No matter the competition
Versus the men of Lemmy or Ditka

For yet they square in battle still
Da Bears and Motorhead team
Contest after contest they engage
From football to dominoes
Soccer to backgammon
All come to equal result
Ages and eons pass
And still not an outcome is clear

As the age of man nears end
And the Four Horsemen of Revelations descend
Players, fans, and announcers pass on
Only Lemmy and Ditka remain
No longer even the heavens, the stars, the moon
For which is God? For God is which?
The two immortals collide
Creating another Big Bang.

So Orenthal James Simpson is back in the news. Go Juice! According to ESPN.com, “Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses ‘how he would have committed’ the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.”

Ignoring the fact that OJ Simpson is probably so strapped for cash these days that he has to bring this up again and milk it completely for all it’s worth, I am curious: how would OJ have killed Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman? If OJ could get into the mind of a killer for a just a moment (not that he is one or anything), how would he plot the perfect murder? Well here at The Serious Tip we did some thinking of our own (not that we are killers either …), and here are the Top 10 ways OJ Simpson should have or could have killed his wife.

10) Hire Maurice Clarett and/or Ray Carruth.

9) Drive-by shooting (after all, it was L.A.)

8) Employ a band of ninjas. Because, of course, ninjas cut off heads ALL the time and don’t even think twice about it.

7) Kill them softly with an Ashlee Simpson song.

6) Make them watch 24hr marathons of Naked Gun 33 1/3.

5) Tell Kato Kaelin if he does the deed he will be able to work in the porn industry.

4) Improvised explosive device – hey, it works in Iraq.

3) Run them down with a Hertz Rent-a-Car,

2) Better yet, a White Bronco.

1) Kill them yourself and hire Johnny Cochran.

Well, it’s official. Shea it ain’t so, Shea no more, etc., etc. My beloved Mets will be playing in the yet-to-be-built CitiField in 2009. Now I am no fan of corporate-named stadia (or stadiums, if you prefer), but this one is not as bad for personal reasons. My grandfather, who was a longtime Mets fan, worked for Citibank for years and I have some pretty fond memories involving him, I, and the Mets. So as long as its not I_love_my_dog.com Park or some equally trendy corporate sell-out way to make a dollar, I can live with CitiField as sort of a tribute.

Now on to more pressing matters. What does CitiField have to do with The Man? How kind of you to ask. In this recent article in the New York Times, Andy Sernovitz, chief executive of the Word of Mouth Marketing Association, said New Yorkers might think The Man has bought the rights to Mets baseball in New York. As much as I hate to say it, that’s already the facts Jack. I have already written about how much The Man has his tentacles all over baseball. And with New York being the corporate capital of the world, it’s a natural evolution.

But far be it for The Serious Tip to take any actions by The Man passively. Emotional attachment for CitiField aside, The Man must cease and desist all further corporate intrusions. Perhaps The Serious Tip should sit down and chat with Mr. Sernovitz and see what he knows about The Man. Could he be of assistance in foiling The Man? He seems to have a good feel for The Man’s pulse. If you read this, Mr. Sernovitz, drop us a line. Have your people talk to my people. We’ll do lunch.

But back to The Man and his ballpark obsession. Is it too far off to expect The Man to reveal himself and name a stadium “The Man Park”? Maybe that’s a little too sexist. What about “The Man Field at XYZ Stadium”? What do you think, Mr. Sernovitz? Personally, I think that’s his plan. Soon enough, my friends, it will happen. Probably in Green Bay.

In the pantheon of sports greatness few stand taller than Babe Ruth. The Babe transformed his sport, revolutionized the sports celebrity, and became one of the premier icons of post-depression America. Although his records may have been surpassed, his epic shadow still stands over baseball to this day.
Like Ruth, Florida State University Head Football Coach Bobby Bowden has become an icon in college football. Along with Penn State’s Joe Paterno, Bowden stands head and shoulders above his coaching contemporaries and has become possibly one of the most recognizable faces of college athletics in America.
Although one was an athlete and the other a coach, the careers of Babe Ruth and Bobby Bowden contain almost eerie similarities. As the career of Bobby Bowden strolls towards the sunset, a comparison of these icons is not only overdue, it is essential.

Origins towards Success

Both Bowden and Ruth entered their respective fields with two other organizations prior to reaching the teams that brought them to greatness. For Ruth, his rise to success began as a minor leaguer in Baltimore in 1914, continued as an up-and-coming major league veteran with the Boston Red Sox from 1914 to 1919, and reached its apex and superstar status with New York Yankees from 1920 to 1934.
After four years as a young head coach at Samford University (Howard College), Bowden progressed to West Virginia University, where he established himself as a capable head football coach winning 42 and losing only 26 from 1970 to 1975. In 1976 Bowden left West Virginia and came to Tallahassee where eventually success became the routine.

Years of Dominance

Eerily both Babe Ruth and Bobby Bowden can claim 14 years of nearly unmatched dominance in their fields. For over a decade, each was the greatest among their contemporaries and established levels of achievement seldom achieved.

After being sold to the New York Yankees in 1920, Ruth began an offensive assault unmatched in baseball history. From 1920 to 1933, Ruth led the Yankees to the World Series 10 times and paced the American League in home runs 12 times, averaging 45.5 home runs per year. His style of play and home run hitting ability changed the way baseball was played, brought fans to the ballpark as no player had before, and made the New York Yankees the premier benchmark of success in major league baseball.
From 1987 to 2000, Bobby Bowden was the Babe Ruth of the college football sidelines. Although Bowden did establish a culture of successful football during his first 11 years at Florida State (1976 to 1986), he won only 90 games. Starting in 1987 however, Bowden led the Seminoles to 153 victories, lost only 19, won two national championships, nine conference championships, and reached a major end-of-the-season bowl game every year.

The Houses that They Built

In 1923, the New York Yankees opened Yankee Stadium, a 70,000+ capacity venue featuring decorative facades, an “unheard of” amount of fan friendly restrooms, and executive offices for team officials. Because of the success of Babe Ruth and the Yankees since the Babe’s arrival the new stadium was aptly nicknamed “The House that Ruth Built.” Of course, Ruth wouldn’t disappoint, hitting a home run in the stadium’s grand opening.
Although a new stadium was not in the plans for Florida State University, Bobby Bowden’s continued success in Tallahassee and a growing student body (possibly derived from a successful athletic program) forced the administration to revamp Doak Campbell Stadium and transform it into the largest football stadium in the Atlantic Coast Conference. Like Ruth’s new home, FSU also incorporated a large part of its administrative offices into the new stadium, adding offices for not only the athletic department, but admissions, registrar, and financial aid. As a tribute to Bowden, a bronze statue was created in his likeness in 2004.

The Later Years

In 1934, Babe Ruth “only” hit 22 home runs. According to ESPN’s baseball analyst Rob Neyer, “Ruth had turned thirty-nine in 1934, and though he could still hit — in ‘34, Ruth was maybe the third-best hitter in the American League, behind only Gehrig and Foxx — he couldn’t do much else.” Ruth’s 22 homers placed him 8th in the league as the Yankees finished second and began to rely more heavily on Triple Crown winner Lou Gehrig. The impression that Ruth could only hit home runs became truth as his batting average was his worst since his rookie year 20 years earlier. After the 1934 season and a falling out with management, Ruth would leave the Yankees and play his final season with the Boston Braves, hitting only six more career home runs. He left the game with 714 home runs, a record that would stand for nearly 30 years.

After reaching the National Championship game three years in a row and winning every game in the 1999-2000 season, the Bobby Bowden-led Florida State Seminoles began to fall off their perch as the nation’s premier dominant football program. Although Bowden became the all-time winningest coach in college football, the Seminoles have only won 10 games once since 2000. Like Ruth before him, Bowden’s detractors have grown in number and have claimed his ability to coach has diminished, forcing the Seminoles to rely more on the talent on the field and not on the strategic mind of Coach Bowden.

It is highly unlikely that Bobby Bowden will be forced to finish his coaching career with another organization as Babe Ruth did with the Boston Braves. At nearly 80 years old, when Bowden leaves Florida State, his career will be over. Although there is history in elderly coaches turning programs around in the face of detractors (see Joe Paterno – 2005), even if Bobby Bowden fails to do so Florida State Seminole fans should take solace in knowing they witnessed a legend – a man so good at his profession Babe Ruth should henceforth be referred to as “The Bobby Bowden of Baseball.”

With baseball season over and the Florida State football season begging for a merciful end, it is time to take a look at one of the last bastions of pure sports integrity – pro wrestling. Just kidding. I speak, of course, of college basketball. And how better to conjure up the spirit of Cinderella than to profile one of the largest, most underappreciated characters to take the court in recent times: Nigel Dixon, center for Florida State University (1999-2002) and Western Kentucky (2003-2004).

Nicknamed “Big Jelly” because of his tremendous size (nearly 7 feet tall and at times near 400 lbs), Nigel arrived at Florida State under the tenure of Head Coach Steve Robinson. According to The ACC Area Sports Journal, “massive center Nigel Dixon was an unheralded, high-risk signee.” Despite this less than glowing review, Dixon became a crowd and campus favorite and his “Big Jelly” nickname was voted best in college basketball by the editors of the Sporting News. Even his attire quickly became fodder for legend as he was fitted for “Nigel sized” shorts.

But size alone does little beyond attracting attention. Big Jelly had to prove his worth on the court. From the moment he stepped onto the college hardwood, Nigel was able to vastly improve his conditioning, lose over 100 pounds, increase his athleticism, and begin to grasp his potential as one of the preeminent big men in the Atlantic Coast Conference. After a disappointing freshman season, in which he averaged only 1.8 points, 2.1 rebounds, and 6.4 minutes a contest all off the bench, Nigel became a starter during his sophomore year and averaged 6.7 points, 5.0 rebounds, and 14.7 minutes per game. Among the highlights of these first years were a season-high 12 points versus Duke during the 1999-2000 season and 23 points and 10 rebounds against Rhode Island in the 2000-2001 season.

Big Jelly would take a big step towards the next level in the 2001-2002 season. Again starting over 75% percent of his games, the mammoth center led the Seminoles in rebounding with 6.4 per game, averaged 8.1 points per game and shot 49% from the field. Among the highlights of his season were 15 points and 10 rebounds against eventual National Champion Maryland and a similar performance against Virginia. He also played a key role in one of the most shocking upsets in Florida State basketball history, a 77-76 victory over then-number one ranked Duke.

Alas, the emergence of Big Jelly as an ACC force to be reckoned with at FSU would end with the hiring of new head coach Leonard Hamilton. Depending on which side of the story you believe, the Nigel Dixon Era at Florida State ended because Hamilton prefered long, athletic, swing players who could play a more up-tempo game or because Big Jelly wanted a redshirt year, something he was denied under Robinson. As dark clouds covered Tallahassee, Nigel “Big Jelly” Dixon moved on to Western Kentucky University.

After being a transfer redshirt for the 2002-2003 season and slimming down to svelte 320 pounds, Big Jelly would become “Big Firm” at Western Kentucky. As a relative unknown to the Sun Belt Conference, the new and improved Nigel Dixon was the only player in the conference to average a double-double with 15.9 points and 10.3 rebounds per game. Among the highlight of his breakout year included a league-high 15 double-doubles and career highs in steals, assists and blocks. In one game against Marshall, Big Firm had 29 points and 16 rebounds. In another contest against Ball State, the big fella scored 23 points and grabbed 16 rebounds. Nigel Dixon had become unstoppable.

With such a monster season, Big Jelly/Big Firm achieved national attention and won numerous accolades, including First Team All-Sun Belt Conference, Newcomer of the Year and Sports Illustrated Honorable Mention All-American. Would the NBA be the next step? Could Big Firm bang bodies with Shaq or Yao Ming?

Despite claims that Dixon was a poor ball-handler for a big man, and would “challenge Chris Dudley as the worst bricklayer in NBA history”, the Detroit Pistons signed Nigel on October 1, 2004. Dixon played in three preseason games with the Pistons, averaging 1.3 points and 4.0 rebounds in 12.7 minutes. Unfortunately, with All-Star center Ben Wallace and potential star Darko Milic, the Pistons released Nigel Dixon after 18 days.

After being released by Detroit, Nigel Dixon brought the Big Jelly/Big Firm Show to Greece, playing for MENT Vassilakis in the Greek Basketball League. While in Greece, Nigel only played in 11 games and recorded a disappointing 4.1 points and 4.8 rebounds per game. Although his performance in Greece was not to the level he had achieved in America, the Denver Nuggets took a chance and signed Dixon on September 30, 2005. His stay with the Nuggets lasted less than a month, however, as he was released on October 26, 2005.

Less than a week later, in early November 2005, the Fayetteville Patriots of the NBA Developmental League, seeing the talent that made him a Western Kentucky star, made Nigel the second overall pick in the NBA Developmental League Draft. Sadly, the Big Jelly/Big Firm Era in Fayetteville was over rather quickly, as Nigel left the team on November 22.

When last seen, Nigel Dixon was plying his craft in the Korean Basketball League for the Pusan Magic Wings and making the Korean International All-Star team. With any luck, the powers that be in the NBA will realize the massive talent, drive, and determination in Nigel Dixon and the “Big Jelly/Big Firm Experience” will be playing in an NBA city near you.

- Jordi