MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

There is a place where the wildest ideas are commonplace. A place where you are not judged, not criticized, not picked on, laughed at, or made fun of. A place where you can suggest things and be the boss, if only for a moment. That place is If I Ran …, a blog full of ideas and notions from people who would like to “run” something.

Over the weekend, your faithful writer took on a challenge. I decided to test my hand at “ruling” a competition many hold near and dear. I decided to wear the crown of the Ruling Body of NASCAR. Below is the preamble of my decree – read more after the jump.

————————–

Admittedly, I am not a NASCAR fan. I figured I would caveat this post by saying you won’t be reading about restrictor plates, drafting, gear ratios or any other technical racing jargon. That said, I do have friends and family who are passionate about the sport. (Note: please refrain from comments on whether NASCAR is a sport or not. For the sake of this post, it is.) I just can’t get into NASCAR. So here are a few things I would do to make NASCAR more enjoyable for me. Here is what I would do If I Ran NASCAR:

Read more HERE …

I’ve often heard the brain compared to a computer and our memories likened to files we store on our cerebral hard drive. If this is true, and my brain is my most personal of personal computers, then my positive New York Knicks memories have a lot in common with the Dancing Baby mpegs I’ve had sitting dormant on my external computer since 1997. Neither my joyous Knicks memories nor the Dancing Baby have been accessed in quite a while, yet I find myself unable to delete either.

However …

In agreeing to join StopMikeLupica‘s cipher of Knick blogger memories, I’ve decided to put my boycott of Isiah Thomas on hold, don my John Starks jersey one more time, and dust off a few of my ancient recollections of positive Knickbocker experiences. What you are about to read may be unbelievable and, in light of recent Knicks history, you may even doubt their actual occurrence. But just as you may not believe in a time when gasoline was only $1.25 a gallon or Lisa Loeb was popular, I swear it’s all true.

June 22, 1994: Knicks-Rockets, Game 7 of the 1994 Finals. Yes, the game John Starks went 2 for 18. Also the day I took my driving exam for the third time and finally passed. As one could expect, I was in full Knicks’ gear, happily sporting my new Starks jersey. It would be the first of many drivers’ license photos I took dressed as John Starks. Until recently, each time I needed to take a new license photo, out came the jersey. Yes, I even still have it. As a matter of fact, the last time I wore it in public, a bartender gave me a free pitcher of beer. Nothing wrong with that.

May 21, 1995: Knicks-Pacers, Game 7 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. You might know this game as “the game Patrick Ewing missed the finger-roll”. For me however, it is “the game my great-grandmother watched with me so I didn’t have to leave my grandparents’ house until the game was over”. My parents, not the biggest basketball fans around, have an awful sense of timing sometimes. This was definitely one of those times. As the Knicks and Pacers were about to begin the fourth quarter of what I remember to be a back and forth battle, my parents decided it would a great time to end our family visit and begin our two and half hour drive home. Luckily for me, my 90-year old great-grandmother had sat next to me and started watching the game. Even better, she was actually interested. Honestly, I don’t think the woman had ever watched a basketball game before in her life. You know what? She couldn’t have picked a better one to start. Although Pat missed the final shot and I was definitely disappointed, once I realized I might not have known what happened until the next morning had she not been there, I had to thank my great-grandmother for watching with me.

May 14, 1997: Knicks-Heat, Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. Wow, has it been 10 years already? I feel old. Anyway, during my time in the military, I had a roommate from Hialeah, FL, just outside of Miami. Although not a die-hard Heat fan (thank goodness) he did agree to join me at the base sports bar to watch the Knicks-Heat game. And what it a game it was. Down 86-69 with less than two minutes to play, all hell broke loose when P.J. Brown flipped Charlie Ward. Craziness. You know what happened then: undermanned for the next two games, the Knicks lost the series. Probably the worst thing about it for me however, was a 10 dollar bet I made with another friend that the Knicks would beat the Bulls in the playoffs. I was so livid at what happened to the Knicks I acted like a punk and refused to pay until the Heat were eliminated. Not one of my proudest moments. Freakin’ P.J. Brown.

Unfortunately, after surprisingly making 1999 Finals, my memorable Knicks moments have been few and far between. For the last seven years, all I’ve had have been either the occasional highlight (Nate Robinson blocking Yao, David Lee’s tip-in, etc.) or the return of heroes to the Garden (Ewing, Starks, Ward, Oakley, etc.). As I mentioned in describing my Isiah boycott, it’s enough to make a man want to grab an acoustic guitar and a bottle of whiskey and sing to the moonlit sky. But since I can’t play guitar, I guess I’ll have to find those Dancing Baby mpegs. I could use a good laugh.

Next up, you’ll hear from the always loquacious Barnesgasm from Son of Dippin. Puff, puff, pass. Don’t break the cipher.

Check out the other Knick blogger memories here and here.

Born a poor black child, Navin Johnson made his mark on America when he invented Opti-grab, a small apparatus designed to make wearing and removing eye glasses easier. After a class action suit was filed against him, Johnson lost millions and was forced to return to relative obscurity. During his stay at the top, however, Johnson became famous for his passion against the mistreatment of animals, especially such heinous crimes as fish teasing, plant abusing, and pet dressing.

Unfortunately, Mr. Navin Johnson all but disappeared in the early 1980s. After nearly a week of searching, The Serious Tip was able to track down Mr. Johnson and ask him a few questions regarding the recent accusations leveled against NFL superstar Michael Vick.

—————————————————

The Serious Tip: Mr. Johnson, it’s a pleasure to finally talk to you.

Navin Johnson: I’m Navin Johnson. What’s your name sir?

TST: I’m Jordi Scrubbings from The Serious Tip and I’d like to talk with you for a moment. You know, you were quite difficult to hunt down. I had to find your name in the phone book.

NJ: Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I’m somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, your name in print, that makes people. I’m in print!

TST: Congratulations. Yes, yes you are. Anyway, I hear you still do promotional work here and there to stop the misuse of animals for recreational purposes. After your failed Opti-grab venture, are you able to survive on just your reputation as an animal advocate? How much are you able to bring in these days?

NJ: I don’t want to say how much I’m getting, but let’s just say it’s a lot.

TST: Well, why go back into stopping animal cruelty? Why not stay in Mississippi? Why continue the work you started so long ago with Father Carlos Las Vegas De Cordova?

NJ: Well, when I was a kid my mom told me… there goes my special purpose! And someday I’d find out what my special purpose was!

TST: You and your special purpose have done great work. Mr. Johnson, I am sure you have heard of the accusations leveled at NFL superstar Michael Vick over what may or may not have happened at his spare home. What was your initial reaction?

NJ: Good Lord – I’ve heard about this – cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a god that would let this happen??

TST: Actually, Mr. Johnson, it was dog fighting, not cat juggling.

NJ: Glad you told me.

TST: So what do you think Mike Vick said to convince those dogs to participate in his vicious dog fighting tournaments?

NJ: I’ve heard about dogs like you! You’re going to be famous! You’re gonna get your picture taken and they’ll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting!

TST: What do you think of the fact that Roger Goodell might suspend Vick for his involvement?

NJ: Good. Shithead.

TST: So I take it you don’t like Mr. Vick?

NJ: Yes sir. I damn thee!

TST: Wow, that’s quite harsh.

If the accusations are found to be false, do you think Mike Vick can recover, and if so, what might go through his mind on his way to clear his image?

NJ: Maybe you’ve hit bottom, but I haven’t hit bottom yet! I got a ways to go. And I’m gonna to bounce back, and when I do, I’m going to buy a diamond so big it’s going to make you puke!

TST: Finally, any advice for Mr. Vick as his situation progresses?

NJ: Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don’t trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it.

TST: Spoken from experience, I’m sure. Thank you for your time Mr. Johnson.

NJ: O.k. Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.

The Dugout has done it again.

Quite possibly the funniest site on the Internet has the latest scoop on the Mets, their infamous rapping minor league outfielder Lastings Milledge (on the right in pic, makin’ a call, yo), and the making of a new Mets song.

I’ll be the first to admit “Meet the Mets” was getting old. And last year’s “Our Team, Our Time”? Well, that was just dumb. Lastings’ new song, on the other hand, has mad, crazy potential.

“L-E-A-D
I need a doctor just for me
To Meet the Mets, like a vet
To Meet Mets til I sweat”

Meet the (G**damn) Mets (The Dugout).

Dynasty.

Since the dawn of the ESPN era, the term “dynasty” has been used quite often in sports. The Yankee Dynasty. The Celtic Dynasty. The Oiler Dynasty. The Cowboy Dynasty. With the San Antonio Spurs and Detroit Pistons again only one step away from advancing to another NBA Finals, are either worthy of entering the pantheon of greatest teams of all-time? Would one more championship make either worthy of being called a dynasty?

Before we can call any team a dynasty, let us first attempt to define the term in a sports context. Obviously, sports dynasties are not intended to last as long as ancient Asian feudal dynasties, such as the Shang Dynasty, which lasted over 740 years. How long then does a team have to be of championship caliber to be a dynasty? According to Wikipedia, sports dynasties are often recognized “only after a team has won many championships in a given time (3 in 4 years, 5 in 8 years, 7 in 12 years, etc.).” Others say it is “a team dominating and/or challenging for titles for at least a decade, having won it all at least four times.”

Whereas I don’t entirely disagree with either of the aforementioned definitions, I define a dynasty as any team that wins at least three championships in five years or wins championships in at least half of the years more than five. For example, winning two championships in a row does not not make a team a dynasty. Winning one more in the next three years does, however (3 in 5 years). Winning championships every other year for eight years would also make a dynasty (4 in 8 years) as would winning six in up to 12 years, 10 in up to 20 years, etc., etc.

Using this standard, the following teams reached the level of dynasty in “the big four sports” since 1990:

NBA
Chicago Bulls (1990-1998, NBA champions in ’91, ’92, ’93, ’96, ’97, ’98)
Los Angeles Lakers (1999-2004, NBA champions in ’00, ’01, ’02)

NFL
Dallas Cowboys (1992-1996, Super Bowl champions in ’92, ’93, ’95)
New England Patriots (2001-2005, Super Bowl champions in ’01, ’02, ’04)

MLB
New York Yankees (1996-2000, World Series champions in ’96, ’98, ’99, ’00)

NHL
None

So could either the Pistons or the Spurs become a dynasty at the end of this NBA season? Using my criteria, the answer is no. For the Pistons, it will only be their second title in recent years, and for the Spurs, it will be their fourth in nine years. Close, and a worthy achievement, but not quite a dynasty.

(This post was originally featured on the now defunct blog “If I Ran …”, where fans would post their suggestions and ideas for running a team or organization no matter how crazy.)

Admittedly, I am not a NASCAR fan. I figured I would caveat this post by saying you won’t be reading about restrictor plates, drafting, gear ratios or any other technical racing jargon. That said, I do have friends and family who are passionate about the sport. (Note: please refrain from comments on whether NASCAR is a sport or not. For the sake of this post, it is.) I just can’t get into NASCAR. So here are a few things I would do to make NASCAR more enjoyable for me. Here is what I would do If I Ran NASCAR.

Midget Pit Crews – Because everything is funnier when done by groups of little people, I would first mandate at least one driving team feature a pit crew of entirely midgets, dwarves, or any other medical classification of the vertical challenged. Remember how funny it was to watch the oompa-lumpas manage Wonka land? Now imagine a team of little people turning power wrenches, changing tires, and performing other pit duties. Included with this “little person” team is the absolute necessity that they use a trampoline to “hop” the wall separating the track from the crew area.

Weekly Eliminations – NASCAR is perhaps the only major sport in which the worst competitor is allowed to participate in every event from the beginning of the season to the end. The worst pro sports team doesn’t stick around through the championship in any other type of season. Therefore, I propose the gradual elimination of the team with the least amount of points starting after the midway point of the season. After the midway point, if you are last in points, you go home. Simple as that. Not only would this provide weekly drama at the bottom of the standings, it would also open up racing on the proceeding tracks as non-contenders will no longer be cluttering the raceway.

Rename the Award for Best Driver – Despite NASCAR’s best efforts to “flashback” to days of Richard Petty and other legends, the racing community is neglecting a far earlier chapter of its competitive roots.  Not longer. As chancellor of NASCAR, my third decree would be to name the award for best driver the Diocles Award, named after famed Roman Charioteer Gaius Appuleius Diocles.  Diocles, perhaps the greatest charioteer in Roman history, won 1,462 of the 4,257 four-horse races in which he competed. Top that, Richard Petty.

Hire the Micro Machine Man as The Voice of NASCAR – Remember the Micro Machines? Remember their commercials? If so, then you remember John Moschitta, the Voice of the Micro Machines. According to Wikipedia, Moschitta is considered one of the fastest talkers in human history. Who better to represent one of the fastest sports in America?

See Micro Machine commercial here.

Finally, Hybrid cars – Again, another admittance: I am kinda environmentally friendly. Not an ELF member by any means, but I am a strong proponent in saving the environment, recycling and the like. Therefore, decree number four would be a gradual increase in hybrid technology in NASCAR. My own personal estimate is that NASCAR races use a lot of fuel. Then why not employ hybrid technology and electric powered engines in road-like racetracks? I would understand if the technology lacks the power needed to maintain speeds needed in tracks like Daytona, but some of the road courses have far less speeds and could possibly be grounds for hybrid racing. And, as an additional spill-over effect, hybrid cars could receive a bump in prestige. After watching Tony Stewart or Jeff Gordon ride someone in a wall in his bad-ass hybrid, the stereotypical NASCAR fan may not think of hybrids as cars only driven by tree-hugging, commie, city-dwellin’ liberals.

Of course, these wouldn’t be all of my changes to NASCAR. In time, I would adapt and attempt to make NASCAR more and more lucrative. Perhaps even try my hand at expanding NASCAR’s demographic. Think a car sponsored by Snoop Dogg sitting on 24s with rims that don’t spin would do the trick?

Welcome to another “Flip the Script Friday”. Although The Serious Tip has been primarily a sports-related blog since its inception, on any given Friday I “flip the script” and blog about whatever I so desire. Today I am going to give you a series of links to check out – some are sports-related, but all are meant to get your Friday off to a good start. Enjoy.

1) Ever wanted to give the Internet a call? I don’t mean connecting to the Web via dial-up either. You can actually talk to the Internet here. Tell ‘em Jordi said hi.

2) There were a bunch of good interviews around the Web this week. A few of my favorites included Q and A’s with Charles Barkley, Will Leitch of Deadspin.com, and Henry Abbott of ESPN’s TrueHoop.

3) For Christmas I asked for a date with whomever won Playmate of the Year and suggested I would prefer if it was Miss Sara Jean Underwood. Guess what? She won … now, about that date.

4) In the pantheon of dumb rap names Black Bill Gates has to be near the top. “Black Scarface”, “Black Al Capone”, “Black Noriega”, even “Black Bin Laden” I can understand. But Black Bill Gates? Are other rappers supposed to intimidated by the African-American version of a nerdy-looking computer programmer who donates money to philanthropical causes around the world?

5) Speaking of hip-hop, here is a little cultural awareness: a column chastizing rappers for their “Bling-Bling” while thousands of Africans have died in the diamond mines of places like Sierra Leone. It might be time for social consciousness to make a return to mainstream hip-hop.

6) Some more social consciousness: Lawyers for former Black Panther Mumia Abu-Jamal faced an appeals court yesterday (5/17) to argue for the freedom of the former radio reporter. If you are unaware who Abu-Jamal is, check out his book Live from Death Row.

7) Shout out to a few bands I know personally: Illinois-based rock band Alternate End and North Carolina emo-hardcore band Forget About the Stars. Can’t say enough about supporting your local bands.

8) Last, but definitely not least, here is quite possibly the funniest, sexiest video I have seen in a while.

Sexy Webcam Strip – video powered by Metacafe

Well, that wraps up this week’s Flip the Script Friday. Enjoy your weekend.

Although I wasn’t planning on writing about Florida State basketball until the NBA draft, a recent ESPN.com article has warranted my early return to Seminole basketball blogging.

According to five of ESPN.com’s college basketball analysts, Florida State is one of the most “underachieving” programs in the nation. In their individual rankings, the analysts ranked Florida State anywhere from second to sixth most “underachieving”. ESPN.com describes the Noles as such:

Every year seems like it’s the one when the Seminoles will break through and make the NCAAs, and each spring we’re left discussing whether they were snubbed. Like Michigan, FSU hasn’t made the dance since 1998, but at least it unquestionably is a football school in football country and is trying to gain traction in a tougher basketball conference top-to-bottom than the Wolverines with less historical success to lean on. The Seminoles have a smaller working budget than Michigan, as well. To the Seminoles’ credit, they have garnered numerous very high-profile upsets in recent years, especially at home, where they are much tougher than you’d expect, but they never were able to combine quality and bulk into a season good enough for an NCAA bid. Good news: The only two 20-win seasons in the last decade came the last two seasons, although losing Al Thornton will hurt a lot.

So how are they underachieving? There is no evidence given as to why the Noles have not reached the level of success the ESPN analysts believe they should achieve. To paraphrase Dennis Green, Florida State has been what they were supposed to be. They have never been considered an ACC powerhouse nor a tournament lock. Along with several other programs in the ACC, Florida State belongs in the echelon of the not-so-elite. They are not as deep as North Carolina, but have better personnel than Miami. The Noles are what they are.

Unfortunately, unlike many of the other ACC programs, Florida State has not made the NCAA tournament since 1998. Where the last two years have held the most potential to breaking this ugly streak, unfortunately the Seminoles came up short both occasions. Is this disappointing? Of course. Are they underachieving? I don’t think so. Considering the motley crew of might-have-beens and never-weres recruited by former head coach Steve Robinson, I would say Coach Hamilton has achieved quite a lot. FSU is now a respectable force to be reckoned with in the ACC. A word of warning to Coach Hamilton, however: patience is not an FSU booster virtue. It’s time to make the dance.

As sports fans we tend to have two forms of allegiances. We either root for our favorite teams or we root for our favorite players. We cheer either for the group or the individual. Often this is one in the same, as favorite players frequently play for favorite teams. Sometimes, of course, it is not that way.

Although we may be drawn to a player for a myriad of reasons (alma mater, intangibles, performance, potential, appearance, etc.), the player-fan relationship is far more fickle than the fan-team relationship. How often do we find ourselves admiring a player less because of a lack of on the field performance or, worse yet, an off-field incident?

Despite fan waffling based on in-game performances, one of the most serious offenses an athlete can be guilty of in the eyes of fans is to willingly cost his team his ability to contribute. Of course, injuries inhibit players from contributing, but these incidents are accidental. The most frequent way players reduce their ability to play outside of injuries is through misconduct and suspension, the lengthiest of which are often due to the use of illegal substances. In baseball, for example, the plight of steroids has forced teams to adapt without key personnel. Currently, the New York Mets are facing this predicament as they wait for the return of relief pitcher Guillermo Mota, suspended until mid-June for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs in November 2006.

Twenty years ago, the Mets faced a similar situation, forced to play without ace starting pitcher Dwight Gooden for the first quarter of the 1987 season. Gooden, found guilty of cocaine possession, was forced to attend drug rehabilitation until June 1987. The incident would be the first of many for Gooden, who would battle drug addiction for most of his career.

So which offense is worse: a suspension for growth hormone use or suspension due to cocaine or an other illegal narcotic use? As seen with the Mets, both similarly limit a player’s ability to contribute. Understandably, I am only comparing the first penalty for a steroid use – a second offense carries a 100 game suspension and a third offense receives a lifetime ban.

For a purist, a cocaine suspension may be the lesser of two evils. To my knowledge, cocaine does little if anything to enhance a player’s performance. Unlike steroids, cocaine is a recreational drug. The danger with cocaine, of course, is its addictive qualities. An addiction to cocaine increases a player’s ability only if the effects are felt during the course of the game. Otherwise, a player addicted to coke is a blemish on the league and the organization in so far as his recreational drug use is detrimental to the player’s health and a violation of the laws of society.

Steroids, human growth hormone, and other performance enhancing drugs (PEDs), unlike steroids, have a definite impact on the user, especially in regards to their athletic performance. Players “under the influence” of steroids and other PEDs are stronger and recover quicker from physical activity. This means a steroid user is not only a threat to his own health, but also to the sanctity of the sport. Steroids give users an unfair advantage – perhaps not in basic skills, but in the physical conditioning intangibles that allow for the continuance of achievement.

So which is the greater offense? Personally, I believe steroids to be worse due to its effect on the greater game and not just the perpetrator. Whereas cocaine may rob fans of the ability to see the full ability and potential of a player, steroids, although we may never know to what extent, skewers the tradition of honesty of competition (corked bats and Vaseline balls aside).

Fourteen years ago, when I was but a wee teenager, I was invited to attend an Orlando Magic NBA draft party. The Magic had won their second straight NBA draft lottery and, after drafting Shaquille O’Neal the previous year, were eager to add another piece to their young promising team. That evening the Orlando Arena (or the O-Rena as it was called) was chock full of Magic fans deliberating who should be the first pick: Michigan’s Chris Webber, Memphis State’s Anfernee Hardaway, or perhaps UNLV’s Isaiah (J.R.) Rider. I remember a few fans even wanting Shawn Bradley to play alongside Shaq.

As we waited in joyful anticipation for the big moment we played Magic-sponsored games, bought souvenirs, and felt the camaraderie of being amongst the Magic fan family. Then when Magic selected Webber, the overwhelming crowd favorite, our collective fanhood cheered like we never had before. Shaq and Chris Webber – a dream team. The cornerstones of a dynasty. And when the Magic eventually went against popular consensus and traded the draft rights to Webber for the draft rights to Penny Hardaway and several additional picks, I booed loudly, hoping Magic personnel could hear my disappointment. Despite the not-so-happy ending, that night I became addicted to the NBA draft. I have watched every year since.

Fourteen years later, Major League Baseball is finally entering the world of televised drafts. On June 7th, according to an MLB press release, the 42nd Major League Baseball Draft will be televised on ESPN 2. Finally, I can watch the Mets and the local Tampa Bay Devil Rays select their all-stars of the future. The future Shaquille O’Neals and Chris Webbers of Major League Baseball. And with the Devil Rays holding the first overall pick, there is even more reason to be excited, right? Perhaps another draft party to attend?

Not quite. As usual, the powers in charge of Major League Baseball have found a way to “foul” up a good thing. Instead of starting the draft in prime time, when a majority of fans could watch and perhaps even attend their own local draft parties, the first round of the baseball draft will start at 2PM Eastern time. Otherwise known as “the middle of the work day”. Smart, Major League Baseball. Very smart. Although what else should be expected from the same organization that brought fans All-Star game ties, World Series cancellations, the DH, and overpriced hot dogs?