MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

I know I said I would never post about relationships on The Serious Tip, but I am currently facing so much stress that I have to let it out here. I’m sorry, but as you read, hopefully you’ll understand why I am making this exception.

They say long-distance relationships never work. They say you have to see your love at least every so often for the relationship to stay fresh. For quite a while now, I have been in a long-distance relationship. This relationship is now destroying me. My long-distance love is making me feel horrible inside while another more local interest is piquing my interest. I feel guilty. I feel torn.

My relationship with my original love started years ago, before I moved down south. We saw each other quite a bit, and when I couldn’t see her in person, I would listen to her every word almost every night. I grew to care for her very deeply. It was love. But then my family made me move to Florida.

As the years went on and I began my new life as a Floridian, my healthy obsession with my original love stayed with me. Even when a peer of my original love came to my town every spring, it only heightened my love, as I was able to see her when she came into town. I would even say my love grew stronger during this time, as I still was interested in her every move. She continued to be my life.

I must admit to a bit of infidelity here, however. There were times I would hang out with my original love’s peer and a few others. But it was only because I needed something to do. There wasn’t the spark there was with my original love. Her peer was cool, very interesting, and fun to hang out with. We knew our boundaries and we stayed within them. But without a doubt, when my original love’s peer would leave after the spring, my heart belonged exclusively to my love.

I’ll admit, there were times were it was tough to love her. When I was in high school, for example, my original love went through some very tough times. Times that demanded my utmost loyalty. She was changing, attempting to find her place amongst her peers, and sadly, often failing. Yet never once did I doubt my commitment to her. It was her and I for life.

Years and years past like proverbial sands in the hourglass. From various military outposts to foreign nations to college campuses, I would tell every one who was interested that she and I were an item. And when she did find her place and attempted to be the talk of the town, we celebrated together, even though her try came up a bit short. Despite the trials and tribulations, we lied together, cried together, and I swore I hoped we died together.

A few years ago, as a matter of fact, my feelings for my original love received a “shot in the arm” as she focused on being more successful and no longer held herself back relative to her peers. She cleaned herself up, rid herself of those who held her down, and began to talk with a newfound confidence. And I found it all very, very attractive.

Following my stint in college, I moved to the Tampa area. For the last 10 years, Tampa has been a distant home of another of my original love’s peers. For the sake of clarity I’ll call her D’Raya (pronounced Dee-Ray-ah). I had heard of D’Raya, but didn’t think she was all that. Not to brag, but D’Raya looked kinda rough and didn’t quite compare to my original love on any level. As far as I was concerned, my relationship could not have been better.

So the first year I moved to Tampa I went to D’Raya’s house once. It was no big deal. We hung out, it was cool. Then this year, I saw my original love at D’Raya’s house as well as other places as she traveled through Florida this spring. Our time together was as it always was. We laughed, we cheered, we had a great time.

Slowly however, D’Raya started to win me over. I don’t know what it was about her. Perhaps it was her youthfulness. Perhaps it was her potential. Perhaps I saw the same thing in her I saw in my original love years ago. I even thought enough to reference D’Raya’s name in the description of my blog. Worst of all, throughout this year I spent more time with her than I had ever spent with my original love.

Now I feel a pain beyond guilt. My original love is ruining her life, collapsing in a way few have ever. She is throwing it all away. How do I prove to her my love is still strong? We were to spend most of the fall together. A time to cheer and laugh and celebrate and frolic like old times. Now we might not get that chance.

I’m sorry and I know I am to blame.

This post is part of a series of a post idea conceived by MCBias of Moderately Cerebral Bias. For more NFL entities who should be more controversial, check out his site.

(Update: MC Bias’s post “Jesus Christ Should Be Controversial” can be found here and Pacifist Viking’s post on the Controversialness of NFL Coaches is here. Enjoy.)

Daniel Snyder has owned the Washington Redskins since May of 1999. During this time, the once proud franchise has floundered in mediocrity. Many point the finger at Snyder for the Redskins’ ineptitude, claiming he has “meddled” in personnel decisions in which he has had little or no knowledge. Although Snyder has backed down slightly since Head Coach Joe Gibbs took the helm in 2004, his ownership style is still held in the same class as Jerry Jones, Al Davis, and baseball’s George Steinbrenner.

But personnel issues are only a small part of why Daniel Snyder should be criticized. Signing Jeff George and Deion Sanders is a small problem compared to an issue Snyder neglects to address every year. One that should have been dealt with long ago – the name of his team.

According to Wikipedia, in the last 10 years, the name “Redskin” has been removed by numerous sports programs throughout the country. From Tallahassee, FL to Highland, MI, people are coming to the realization that “redskins” is seen as a derogatory term and unlike certain college names, “Redskins” does not in any way honor or fairly represent the ethnic group from which it derives. For all his moves on the field, Daniel Snyder has yet to fix this major off-field problem.

Yet where is the uproar? Are Redskins’ fans ignorant of the nature of their team’s moniker? Or do they feel it is a trivial issue? And what of the mainstream media? To my knowledge, only Gregg Easterbrook of ESPN.com makes it a point to not call the Redskins the “Redskins”, opting instead for the “Potomac Drainage Basin Indigenous Persons” or the “Washington Nanticokes”.

Instead of general malaise, we as fans, the media, or even Congress, if necessary, should be pressuring Daniel Snyder to change the name of his team. Daniel Snyder’s ownership should be more controversial.

Starting in 2008, thousands of baseball fans will be without a favorite team. All across America, members of the Church of Satan are denouncing their allegiance to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays after the team decided to change their moniker to the “Tampa Bay Rays” effective next baseball season.

“Granted, I could never make the trip to see them in person,” said a Church of Satan member from Salem, Ore. “But they were definitely my favorite team.”

Some Church of Satan members are accusing the Devil Rays’ ownership of kowtowing to the Religious Right.

“It’s all those Bible-thumpers’ fault,” said a church member from Rome, NY. “You don’t see us making a big deal over the San Diego Padres, do you?”

Although the true reason behind the name change remains unclear, the head of the Church of Satan, Magnus Peter H. Gilmore, believes the team made the move to spite the church.

“We were in the midst of negotiations for the souls of some of their players when the organization low-balled us and we had no choice but to walk out.”

According to Gilmore, deals had been made to ensure the success of many “Devil” teams, such as the New Jersey Devils, the Duke Blue Devils, and the Arizona Sun Devils. Past deals have included the souls of Martin Brodeur, Coach Mike Krzyzewski, and Barry Bonds.

“Each team has had to sell us a few souls in order to win. Tampa Bay hadn’t done that yet,” said Gilmore. “We saw a few players we liked in Scott Kazmir, B.J. Upton, and Carl Crawford.”

Gilmore claims when the Devil Rays counter-offered with Rocco Baldelli, Elijah Dukes, and Don Zimmer, he knew there was no chance for a deal.

“It is no secret having the Church of Satan on your side has its advantages. Look at the history. We’ve supported winners,” said Gilmore. “But the Tampa Bay baseball team did not take the negotiations seriously and now they are on their own. I feel bad for our members who are baseball fans, but we don’t take too kindly to being insulted.”

Because of the failed negotiations, some former Devil Rays fans are already making plans to change their allegiances.

“I guess I’ll root for the Yankees next year,” said a Church of Satan member from Hell, MI. “It’s no secret the Big Man Downstairs is quite fond of George Steinbrenner.”

Jogging around the world once again …

To start, doesn’t the NFL have bigger fish to fry than cheerleaders warming up in front of opponents? Was this that big of a problem? I know there are women (the Patriots’ Alysha Castonguay comes to mind) who have a certain je ne sais quoi that makes gazing avoidable, but this isn’t Lawrence Taylor’s lady friends “wearing out” the opposing team the night before.

On a personal note, you will never hear me criticizing cheerleaders like the commentariat over at AOL Fanhouse. If it wasn’t for one of the wonderful FSU Cheerleaders, I would not have graduated cum laude. (I know, I am bragging about my intellectual prowess, but there is a moral.) I had a 3.49 GPA going into the last final of my last class and since the professor didn’t give “A-”s or “B+”s, I had to ace the final or else I would graduate with an anti-climactic 3.48. Enter a cheerleader who I knew had the final two days earlier. After seeing her in Subway of all places, she told me what to expect on the final. No, she didn’t give me the answers, she only told me the questions. So I gambled, studied only those questions, aced the test, and graduated with a 3.52. That is why you will never hear me say anything derogatory about cheerleaders. For them I am forever grateful.

Moving on to other Florida State-related hi-jinx, some time this week my esteemed alma mater will elaborate on the futures of recent malcontents Geno Hayes and Joe Surratt. Hayes and Surratt were arrested late last week for fighting at a popular fraternity and sorority bar. That place was always too crowded for me. How Hayes had the room to fight in there is beyond me. I could barely move around. I’m curious to see how “Bowden Justice” handles these two. Knowing past patterns, seen here and here, starting linebacker Hayes has nothing to worry about. The seldom-used Surratt, on the other hand, will probably need to find another line of work.

Speaking of attempted beatdowns, I’m assuming Jose Offerman’s lawyer is not working under one of those “if we don’t win, it’s free” guarantees. I’m no lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but judging from the pictures of Offerman charging the mound with a bat, I’m guessing charges of battery may stick. Hopefully we get a post by the Sports Law Blog on Offerman’s chances to prove his innocence.

Unfortunately, Offerman isn’t the only baseball journeyman acting the fool. Milton Bradley has never been the calmest of souls, but getting hurt arguing with an umpire is ridiculous. There’s no reason to channel Yngwie Malmsteen and attempt to “unleash the f’in fury” on an umpire. He is not going to change his call.

Another guy who should be singing Bobby Fuller is Mr. Michael Gerard Tyson. Tyson, who plead guilty to drug possession, goes to court on November 19th, or as I like to call it, 21 days before Michael Vick goes back to court (Dec 10th). Let’s just say Roger Cossack of ESPN is going to be a very busy man.

Of course, the day Vick starts his sentencing, the Falcons are playing the New Orleans Saints. Speaking of the Saints, as much as the reconstruction of New Orleans is a big story, and rightfully so, why don’t we hear more about the rebuilding of Aceh in Indonesia and other areas decimated by the Sumatra Tsunami of December 2004? If you remember, over 283,000 people were killed throughout the South Pacific and Indian Ocean region. Maybe if Indonesia had a sports team, we would be more concerned.

Ending on a lighter island-related note, Baseball Prospectus recently gave a preview of the upcoming Hawaiian Winter Baseball League. Yeah, I’m thinking a vacation is in order. Beaches, babes, Hawaiian beer, and baseball.

Speaking of babes …

There is no Seminole football this weekend. This makes me very sad. So, therefore, ipso facto, in order to quell my sorrow I heretofore present these five FSU-related links. All are hard working and will serve you well.

1) Even though it’s not specifically related to Florida State, I really enjoyed ESPN’s rules for college football fans. Part 1 and Part 2.

2) Some international Seminole news: After a brief stint trying out for the Milwaukee Bucks, The Serious Tip‘s favorite former Seminole and Hilltopper center Nigel “Big Jelly/ Big Firm” Dixon was the first overall pick in this year’s Chinese Basketball Association draft. Long live the Dixon Dynasty.

3) In the tradition of less-heralded family members such as Don Swayze and Frank Stallone, I present to you Freddie Weinke, cousin of former FSU quarterback Chris Weinke. Ol’ Freddie is already a legend of sorts, with his own Wikipedia page and his own home page. Not bad for a guy who has played for the Miami Valley Silverbacks, had a stint with the recently-folded Springfield Stallions, and ended the 2007 season on the Sioux City Bandits.

4) You know what is always fun? Perusing the ranks of minor football leagues such as the Arena League and the Canadian Football League and finding players you recognize. Here are the profiles of former Seminole wide receiver Talman Gardner and defensive backs Tay Cody and Stanford Samuels. Gardner was just kinda there, Cody was pretty good for the ’99 championship team, and Samuels’ coverage ability drove me to drink. Heavily.

5) Reason number 4,921 why I miss college. Maybe if I sneak into the student section sometime this year, I too can get a lapdance. I have to agree with public opinion, this lapdance is WEAK and she really should have been naked. (Video found originally on Scalp’em.com.)

Enjoy your weekend.

In this week’s Tuesday Circular Rambling, I mentioned that I recently watched the baseball classic The Natural. In my post, I asked,

“could Roy Hobbs have pulled the “coming out of nowhere” act today, in the era of Baseball Reference and Baseball Prospectus? Surely, someone would have heard of him from somewhere.”

My point was, of course, that in this age of bloggers and 24-hour sports networks, the mystique of Roy Hobbs would not have been so mysterious. People would have know all about Hobbs even before he walked into the Knights’ dugout.

Sure enough, not two days after I asked these simple questions, ESPN’s Jim Caple tackled The Natural from a different angle, listing all of Hobbes’s improprieties and explaining why The Natural wasn’t the saint people make him out to be. While Caple says nothing about the impact of Hobbes’s background had he played today, one could easily assume any one of the problems Caple lists, had they occurred to a modern player, would have caused quite the unpleasant media circus.

I think it’s funny that both Jim Caple and I were recently thinking about The Natural and both of us thought to write about it. Did we write about the same thing? Not really. Could Caple had read my post and took the idea and ran with it? Perhaps. If so, more power to him. Are the odds better that he watched the same movie I did on the same channel at the same time and wrote his article shortly thereafter? I think so.

I’m not trying to take anything away from Jim Caple. His article was really good. I enjoyed it. I just wanted to point out that as I read it I had this weird feeling of subject deja vu.

Even though my math grades in high school were at best “C”s and at worst “D”s, real-life mathematics has always piqued my interest. If I have to solve X+X=Y, I could care less, but if you tell me to figure out the force of two pool balls slamming into each other, I’m all over that. So when I found this blog by University of California physicist John C. Baez, of course, I had to check it out. Not that I would understand what he was talking about all the time, but I would give it a shot.

Well, I found something very interesting on Baez’s blog, a link to a video demonstrating how to turn a sphere inside out without “breaking” any of the lines. Ok, I am a bit of a geek for this stuff. The video is a little long at 21 and half minutes, but it is definitely understandable. So if you are feeling smart today, check it out.

Outside In: How to Turn a Sphere Inside Out

Wow.

I am a moron. There is no other way of putting it. I forgot my blog’s birthday. For some reason, I thought it was September 19th. No, it is September 14th.

So now I sit remorseful. I was going to impress you, dear reader, with amazing stats and trivia about The Serious Tip. I was going to tell you all the sites I have been linked to, all the great people in the blogosphere I have corresponded with, from those who have given me advice, to those who have responded to e-mails, to those who I persuaded to let me cameo on their sites. I was even going to impress you with a ballpark figure of all the words I have written on this site (~70,000). And then there was the story of about how one year ago, after discovering Deadspin and other great blogs, I said, “I can do this”. You were to be awed.

But alas, I forgot. I am a horrible, horrible blogmaster/host/writerperson.

Seriously, who forgets their blog’s birthday? This is probably worse than forgetting an anniversary or a friend’s birthday. A blog is supposed to be like your kid, and in some cases, maybe more important. And its birthday is supposed to be a big deal.

What does that say about me? I don’t have a kid, nor a significant other. What if the future Mrs. Scrubbings finds this post before an important date? Will she think “Wow, he can’t even remember his own blog’s birthday. How is he supposed to remember mine?”. From now on, I am writing down all the important dates I have to remember. Mother’s Day, Arbor Day, Opening Day, and The Serious Tip‘s birthday.

Anyway, since you were denied an all-out birthday extravaganza, let me at least offer you a pleasant Talk Like a Pirate Day. Yar.