MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

A couple things tweakin’ my melon today, so I’m going to rant.

First, I do believe sports blogosphere favorite Erin Andrews has officially entered the B.S.-osphere. For those who might not have heard, in a recent interview the ESPN sideline reporter said she supposedly enjoys laying in bed and watching her beloved Gators play. And of course, bloggers everywhere are scurrying like ants on a sugar cube.

Like Yahoo! Sports’ Eamonn Brennan, I think this phenomenon is partly the bloggers’ fault. But now I also think Ms. Andrews is partly to blame. I think Ms. Andrews is getting to the point where she believes, and it might be true, that she can say anything about herself and people will believe it. Any mere utterance of her personal life, and she knows she will have bloggers running to their keyboards. Especially if she mentions her bedroom.

Oh, she so enjoys laying innocently in bed and viewing the exploits of Tim Tebow?

I call bullshit.

Erin Andrews is becoming just like those Playboy Playmates who claim “intelligence” is a turn-on. These women say things just to keep their core audience interested. Quick, how many Playmates are dating Noble Prize winners? How many are dating rock stars, athletes, or actors? If intelligence was really a turn-on, Stephen Hawking would have bed more women than Wilt Chamberlain.

While I am on the subject of malarkey from the Ville of Gaines, this just about pissed me off:

University of Florida Rated Top Party School

To all current and future students of Florida State University:

This is utterly unacceptable. As Seminoles, we have a responsibility and a tradition to uphold. Those heathens from the south are not and will never be better than us. I am going to assume the Princeton Review missed their annual trip to Tallahassee and just out of ignorance ranked us tenth.

Tenth?

Tenth?

Don’t make me have to drive up there with a few kegs of O’Douls and start my own party. Because I’ll do it.

Oh, and to those from the unmentionable school whom Princeton Review claims is the best party school in the nation:

At least when we won top party school in 1996 and 1999 it was before we won our latest national championship. We didn’t need three championship parties to put us over the top.

Answer: The bucket
(from fsukxaz.com)

According to the Daily Star (via Global Voices Online), a planned friendly (exhibition) soccer match between Iran and Egypt was cancelled on July 18th due to the production and release of a film. The film, entitled “Assassination of a Pharaoh”, explores the 1982 assassination of Egyptian President Anwar Sadat and claims the former Egyptian president was killed due to his signing of the 1978 Camp David Accords and his role in eventual peaceful relations between Egypt and Israel. According to the report, the producers have called the assassination “revolutionary” and Sadat’s assassin a “martyr”.

In other news, New York Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner lodged an official complaint with the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball. In this leaked memorandum, Steinbrenner claims the Yankees may withdraw from any further contests with the Boston Red Sox until such time that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck cancel production on their documentary on Dave Roberts. The Affleck-Damon documentary, entitled “Reversal of a Dynasty”, explores Roberts’ steal of second in Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS and claims Roberts should be deified by all churches in the greater Boston area.

Recently Joe Posnanski discussed our tendency to exalt the greatness of an individual to the point that people forget how great the person’s achievements actually are. Whereas Posnanski wrote about Joe DiMaggio as overrated to the point of underrated, as I read a biography of Albert Einstein, I am convinced Einstein also falls into this category.

Everyone knows Einstein was smart. But his sheer genius has been so accepted that I really think people have forgotten how smart he really was. Einstein’s view of the universe completely flipped conventional wisdom. He did nothing less than make Nobel prize winners question their notions of reality*.

(Sorry about that. I couldn’t resist the Clutch reference.)

Anyway, although I’m only about a quarter through the 800-page biography, I’ve come to the conclusion that Einstein was smarter, or perhaps more intuitive, than I thought.

That said, my mind has started wandering a bit as I have been reading. Especially after I read about Einstein’s theory of energy, specifically how the mass of an object increases as its motion nears the speed of light (the famous E=MC2). Of course, being inquisitive, I have a few questions:

(Note: For those wondering if this post was going have anything to do with sports, here is your smooth segue.)

- Is it humanly possible to throw a ball have it become heavier?

- Although announcers and baseball pundits like to call certain sinking fastballs “heavy”, are they really? Or is their “heaviness” just a figure of speech to explain their rotation or the effect of the backspin and other aerodynamic factors?

(By the way, for a great book on basic baseball physics, to include what makes a knuckleball “flutter”, check out Robert K. Adair’s “The Physics of Baseball“. Don’t be scared. It’s less than 200 pages.)

- How fast would a ball have to go to shatter the sweet spot of a bat? What about an aluminum bat? What about on the moon, or any other place with less gravity than Earth?

- On a related note, would a Sidd Finch fastball (168 mph) break a bat closer to the sweet spot? Or does it depend more on the spin and the angle of the swing?

Now I’ll admit, those probably aren’t the most complex baseball-related physics problems. As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if they were actually quite easy. And I know they have little to do with Einstein. But I am still curious.

So if there are any physicists out there, feel free to drop some knowledge in the comments.

Oh yeah, and everyone should check out this link: The Physics of Baseball. There is some really good stuff on there. Did you know the University of Illinois actually offered a freshman-level course on baseball physics?

When the Oakland A’s traded pitcher Rich Harden, I did not think it would affect me in the least. I’m neutral on Harden and the Rays had already finished playing their season series against the Cubs. So although some people got excited, the latest baseball mega-blockbuster barely nudged my care meter.

How completely foolish of me.

Little did I realize that because of this trade I could once again be privy to greatness. Once again I had the opportunity to witness the awesome presence that is Thunder Matt Murton as his new team, the Oakland A’s, visited beautiful Tropicana Field.

When I first saw his name in the lineup, I was pleasantly surprised. No longer denied by the oppressive Cubs organization, Thunder Matt not only started in left field for the A’s, but he also batted clean-up, arguably the most important of all lineup positions.

And so it is with great honor that I may testify to my readers an eyewitness report of the July 22nd happenings of Thunder Matt Murton. Consider this, if you will, the hadith of the Redheaded Messiah.

1st AB: He struck out looking

2nd AB: He flew out to center

3rd AB: He grounded out to the catcher

4th AB: He popped a bunt to the catcher

5th AB: He reached on an error

To some, Thunder Matt may be a distant memory, but to me his legend lives on.

Yet, could there be another?

Maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t, but I haven’t posted in nearly a week. My most humble apologies. I was out of town attending the wedding of the only fan I have interviewed for this site, the indomitable Zheke Snow.

So now I’m back. And honestly, its weird. Since getting back to Tampa, I’ve been thinking about a line from an old local Tallahassee rap-rock band named Presence, “inclined to quench your hunger like supersizing your fries” “the ties you have with your friends is the prize”. Anyway …

With ol’ Zheke’s wedding now in the past, my thoughts are now drifting towards my own possible nuptials. Not that any woman in her legally sane mind would marry me (unless she was from Russia or had copious amounts of alcohol – I’m working the latter angle for now). But if that day comes I want to be ready.

Whereas there have been other male suggestions through the years, here is a few things I want to happen if I ever tie the knot.

Encourage the Wave – Although I am not a big fan of the wave, I would highly encourage any family, friend, or complete stranger to start the wave during my ceremony. How cool would that be?

Say My Vows in the Third Person – How absolutely great would it be if when el padre asks “Do you, Jordi Scrubbings, take the future Mrs Scrubbings to be your wife?”, I say, “Jordi does.”

Wrestling Introductions – Although it might be a little low-class to mention people’s weight as they walk into the reception, I think it would be great to have someone like Howard Finkle announce the incoming bride and groom and their associates. “Ladies and gentlemen, now entering the reception, the reason you are all here, the newwwwwww nuptial champions of the world, Mr. and Mrs. Jordi Scrubbings.”

Sign a Program, Win a Dance – You know how at the ballpark the public address announcer will bellow something to the effect of “Hey fans! If your program is signed on page 37 by The San Diego Chicken you win a prize”? Well, I want to do that during my reception. Only instead of a box of Cracker Jacks, the lucky winner will be able to dance with the bride. “Hey friends and family, if your program is signed by Jordi, you win a dance with the bride!”

Imagine that.

It’s easy, if you try.

Anyway, this was just something to whet your appetite. I did some writing during the trip, so expect some more great musings this week.

Peace out.

Although the fine gentlemen of ScalpEm.com usually do a great job of keeping the Florida State faithful up to speed on the FSU softball program, they are sadly lacking on the lastest development in the search for a new Head Coach.

That’s right, I still have some strings in Tallahassee. There are a few bridges I didn’t burn down, for emergency purposes of course.

What the guys at ScalpEm.com don’t want you to know is that I applied for the Softball Head Coaching position. What they fail to tell you is that I was told I would receive a Super Squirrel Ultra Top Secret offer from the university, details of which I can not disclose.

But for those curious as to whether or not I have what it takes to coach softball, let’s take a look at Florida State University job opening number 25613 and see how I stack up:

Qualifications:
A Bachelor’s degree and two years of appropriate work experience.

(Check. As a matter of fact I got my Bachelor’s from FSU – bonus points for me.)

Requirements:
Knowledge of sports medicine as it pertains to the training and performance of student-athletes.

(Check. I’ve been reading Will Carroll‘s stuff for over a year.)

Skills in the application of coaching methods to motivate the student-athlete in sports academic performance and in life’s experience.

(Check. When I quit my local softball team – see? more experience – a couple of guys said they would miss my upbeat enthusiasm. To be modest, I’m a fan of the rally cap.)

Knowledge of NCAA, ACC, and University rules regulations. This position requires a police background check.

(Check, again. I worked for the university while I was a student. I know a whole bunch of loopholes, er …, academic possibilities. And as for the NCAA, just think of the most tyrannical, nonsensical rule possible, and that’s the NCAA. So check, once again.)

Preferred:
Intercollegiate coaching experience at the Division I level.

(Only preferred, right? Let’s leave that box blank.)

Responsibilities:
This position is responsible for the management and administration of all phases of a sports program in a manner that upholds the philosophy, mission, and objectives of the Department of Athletics.

(Win, win, win. Got it.)

Develop, coordinate, and direct all phases of the women’s softball program as it pertains to personnel (including hiring and supervision of assistant coaches, staff, undergraduate/graduate assistants and volunteers) and their responsibilities, budgeting, scheduling, travel, meals, scholarship allocation, recruiting, scouting, purchase and care of equipment, coaching, giving appropriate direction to student-athletes as it relates to academics, while adhering to all NCAA, ACC, Athletic Department, and University rules and regulations.

(Wow. That’s a lot to do. But I am multi-versatile and have great tremendous coaching upside. Did I mention I am also synergistic?)

Promote women’s softball through community events and public relations activities.

(That’s easy. Car washes and bake sales. Car washes and bake sales. If not, I’ll beat the door with Title IX. Give me some of that football money, Bobby. It’s not like you are winning anyway.)

Work with the Director of Athletics in conveying policy or its interpretation.

(I think the AD will be a little more concerned with the well-doings of the football team to be occupied with me. But if not, that’s what booster money is for. Hooray Boosters!)

In keeping with the University policy for equal opportunity and pluralism, the coach will provide a climate and culture that brings together and promotes through education, all individuals without regard to their background, race, origins, gender, culture, religions, beliefs, physical, or mental abilities.

(Umm…. does this mean I have to let all sorts of people on my softball team? What about drag queens? What about this guy? Or better yet …)

(Yup. This job is so mine.)

I’ll admit I’ve been distracted. I’ll admit I’ve spent more time with my local interest than I should have. I even moved closer to her so it would be easier to hang out. But now my long distance love has forcefully pushed herself back into my life. And as they say, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

While she was, to use another cliche, “a hot mess” earlier this year, my long distance love has once again gotten her act together. After months of depression, she is now upbeat, enthusiastic, optimistic, and is moving into a brand new top-of-the-line home next year. To top it all off, people can’t stop talking about her. It’s amazing. And all this while my back was turned.

Meanwhile, completely by coincidence I hope, my local interest is completely losing herself. I really think the pressure of being an overnight success got to her. She has become the hot mess. Whereas the world was eating out of the palm of her hand mere weeks ago, now nothing can go right.

Once again I am conflicted. I know I should be celebrating the resurgence of my long distance love. We have been together for too long for me not to be happy for her. Yet, deep down, I am worried and concerned for my local interest. Whereas my long distance love has been through times like this before and we’ve been through both the best and the worst of times, my local interest could be really hurting. Having never tasted the nectar of success, I think she is much more fragile and may need me now more than ever.

But what do I know?

I’m just a guy whose heart is confused yet again.

Sometimes I think too many sports bloggers get so caught up in hype, the drama, the pizazz, and the need to focus on the bigger, better, now that they (we) forget what makes sports great.

We forget about the fun, the joy, and happiness of playing games that are by nature leisurely activities. Instead, we sacrifice innocence to gossip about Alex Rodriguez’s extra-marital rendezvous, Michael Vick’s bankruptcy, Shaq vs. Kobe round 46, or any one of thousands of other tabloid-esque stories that have little to do with the games. Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, Shawn Chacon, Elton Brand, the list goes on and on and on and on.

That’s why it was incredibly refreshing to find a blog called “(just another) Little League Mom” written by Carrie Matsuo of Portland, Oregon. For the last few years, Ms. Matsuo has used her corner of the blogosphere to chronicle the Little League exploits of her son Jack and the many other kids that spend their spring and summer playing little league baseball in the Portland area.

So is (just another) Little League Mom a sports blog? Of course and without a doubt. But does it have anything in common with Deadspin, The Big Lead, With Leather, and the dozens and dozens of other “big name” sports blogs out there? Not in the least bit.

But that’s what makes it great.

So if you are tired of reading the sports tabloids, go check out (just another) Little League Mom. And if it doesn’t bring back at least a few memories, you might want to think about why you started liking sports in the first place.

(just another) Little League Mom

Hobo. Wanderer. Nomad. Vagabond.

Call me what you will, but I just completed my tenth move this decade. Eight years, seven apartments, two friends’ spare bedrooms, and one summer sublease.

I’m the Mike Morgan of the rental community.

One of the best aspects of my new place is the location. I am now only 30 minutes from beautiful Tropicana Field, home of the greatest trash can racers ever home of the Tampa Bay Rays.

Which, in turn, leads me to my topic du jour: the impact of the Rays newfound success. Particularly the use of the term “bandwagon”.

According to a BaseballCrank.com article posted way back in 2001, there are two types of bandwagon fans,

One is the frontrunner – the fan who switches gleefully from team to team, always in search of associating himself with a winner. The other is the fan who just doesn’t pay as much attention when the team is losing.

Although I have not yet met any of the former (a.k.a. the “LeBron James” Rays fan), many baseball fans here in the Tampa area are being accused of being among the latter.

I wholeheartedly disagree.

Even though you can’t spit without hitting someone in a Rays hat or a Rays shirt or any other type of Rays apparel, this should not be considered a bad thing. After nearly 10 years of mismanagement and front office ineptitude, the new Rays organization is finally starting to win. And of course the community has noticed. They would be foolish not to.

(Side note: when are the Rays going to make an American Express commercial like the one in Major League? How great would it be to see Joe Maddon say “We’re contenders now,” followed by Carl Crawford sliding across home plate with an American Express card? That would be priceless – oops, wrong credit card.)

Question: if you bought a CD by a local band to support them but found it was poorly done and sounded like someone farting on a snare drum, would you automatically buy their second release?

I wouldn’t.

Now imagine after you bought the first release, the band released 10 horrible albums, each more inept than the previous. Any rational buyer would probably be hesitant to purchase album 11.

But what if album 11 had three top hits? What if it was on the top of the Billboard charts? What if nearly every song was on the radio and people couldn’t stop talking about it? What if the band had finally gotten their act together and found their sound? Could you blame people for giving them another shot?

Sure, some people will always spend their entertainment dollar on baseball. They are fans; that’s what they do. But the majority need to see a good product. People want something that will convince them their money is better spent at the ballpark than at the movies, or the beach, or the mall, or anywhere else. I have no hate for these people. I don’t blame them for finally showing up. Some day, when the Rays border on average again, the casual fans will leave. It happens. And I won’t blame the fans then either.

However, that said, despite my defense of the Rays bandwagon, there is one type of Tampa-area fan that turns me into the bartender in Star Wars. One type of fan that makes me say, “We don’t serve your kind here. You’ll have to wait outside.”

Unless the Rays are playing the Yankees, absolutely positively no Red Sox fan should be allowed to root for the Rays. Even if they sacrifice life and limb.

That’s where I draw the line.

Like Istanbul or St. Petersburg, Russia, the city of Tampa once went by a different name. According to the following YouTube clip and its accompanying book, Atlantis Was America: Tampa Was The Royal City, the humble little town I’m living in was once the lost city of Atlantis. This according to author Dennis Brooks and his 30 years of research on the ancient writings of Plato.

And in the words of the nearly-as-wise modern-age philosopher Scarface from the stirring cinematic masterpiece “Half Baked“, “I believe him, yo. I don’t know why, but I do.”

Oh, by the way, if I am out of the loop for the next few days, it’s because this weekend I am moving from the ‘burbs smack dab into the middle of Atlantis’s former Royal City.

Moving sucks.