MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

Before we welcome in a new decade (my 5th!), I’d like to take a brief moment for reflection and remembrance with a Zen koan by Ryokan:

Another year lingers to an end;
Heaven sends a bitter frost.
Fallen leaves cover the mountain
And there are no travelers to cast shadows on the path.
Endless night: dried leaves burn slowly on the hearth.
Occasionally, the sound of freezing rain.
Dizzy, I try to recall the past-
Nothing here but dreams.
- Ryokan (1758?-1831)

This is the second time I’ve posted this koan. The first was at the end of 2006 as a part of my last post of my first year of blogging. That post also contained several haikus on what I thought was going to happen in the world of sports in 2007. For those curious, I got 3 of 11 right. I guess on the physic scale I am more Miss Cleo than Edgar Cayce.

In case you are curious, among my amazingly incorrect predictions were that the NFL Network would go under (nope, still going strong), Shaquille O’Neal would retire (4 years and 2 teams later he is still active), and hockey would be back on ESPN (still on Versus, still not seen outside of Canada).

Oh well, Happy New Year!

(Pic acquired from the blog A Swedish Alien in California.)

While admittedly I am not the most hardcore comic book fan, I do know there are several, if not dozens of “alternate universes” in the Marvel and DC canons.

(In all honesty, I never knew where to start when reading comics. If I liked Spider-Man, for example, should I pick an issue at random and start reading? What if I pick issue #281 ? That means there is 280 issues of backstory I wouldn’t know about. I wouldn’t know Spider-Man’s history, his friends, his enemies, and why he is doing what he is doing. But starting at issue #1 would be too costly. Comic book fans, any advice? How did you get started?)

Now just like the characters in Marvel, DC, and other comics, I too am in different universes. Over at The Afro-Squad Blog, the amazingly creative SnowMan has put me in a few pictures and claims I am running for president. This is, of course, quite laughable, as everyone knows I can’t run for president until 2012 when I turn 35.

Perhaps the easiest way to accept the fact that there might be two “Jordi Scrubbings” doing two different things online is to think of the string theory and wave theory of quantum physics. These two theories give credence to the idea that there may be an overarching rhythm to the universe and that there may be other universes that operate on other rhythms.

In the case of the two “Jordis”, think of this blog and TheSeriousTip.com as Marvel’s Earth-616 and the Afro-Squad Blog version of “Jordi” as one that comes from a universe set to the unpredictable, uncontrollable, random rhythm of a Beastie Boys/Shaft/Dolemite/Sir-Mix-A-Lot mash-up.

Don’t try to figure it out, just enjoy.

Speaking of enjoy, check out the second webcast of The Jordi Scrubbings Show.

Here is a little poem I’ve been noodling with over the last week. Something random.

Kitchen spatulas

Attack like tarantulas

Spare only neighborhood treasurers

Their spouses locked in slaughterhouses

Banging for help in the code of Morses

General spoons riding in on horses

Phlebotomists tangle with solutions

Nooses tied around the handles of knives who doth protested

The damnation of dalmatians

While those bitten by Siamese kittens

Could only count the scars.

Pots and pans lay the groundwork

Microwaves keep the frequency

Communications flow easily

Through comparable components used to cooperation

Can openers slice their way past defenses

Soulless toasters dance to the rhythm in sequences

Victory employed coroners

The result of woks whacking their owners

Business was good the day

Mixers, whiskers, and egg beaters turned the tables

And revolted against the eaters.

Note: after finishing this poem, I googled “spatulas”. Apparently the Internet is a strange place and I am not the only one inspired by the idea of violent kitchenware. Check out the movie Spatula Madness. It is about a group of spatulas who fight giant wooden spoons. Although not quite the animated version of my poem, it is close enough for me to know “Kitchen Revolution” will never be turned into the next Avatar.

Oh well.

Thoughts about the Time Warner versus Fox battle that could soon leave millions without The Simpsons, American Idol, the Sugar Bowl, and a bunch of other programs:

This might be part of an overall change in distribution philosophy for Fox. Fox continues to try to strong-arm content distributors. Fresh off their dispute with Google, they are trying to hold Time Warner hostage by increasing costs to Brighthouse by an alleged 300 percent.

If Fox was smart, they would pull the plug on Brighthouse’s TV division all together. They would make all of their programming exclusive to sites such as Hulu.com, Youtube, Myspace (which Fox owns) or their individual websites such as FoxNews.com. They could even drive viewers of their shows to each shows’ respective website (GlennBeck.com, Simpsons.com, etc.).

The dilemma is in advertising. So far no one has yet figured out how to make fistfuls of dollars from online advertising. If Fox could drive its advertisers online and get the same income without having to pay the middle man they wouldn’t need Brighthouse. If Fox can pull it off, don’t be surprised to see NBC, CBS, ABC and other cable networks slowly migrating off cable television.

For Time Warner, which recently let AOL go it’s own way, their position is understandable. They have to know paying exorbitant amounts to be the middle man in the media chain is a losing venture. The money from big-money advertisers is moving to online ventures and away from the networks (see Pepsi’s decision to not air a Super Bowl commercial and divert the money to a social media campaign). From Time Warner’s point of view, there is no way they could re-coup value in a mega deal with a media distributor.

However, if Fox fails to get the same advertising dollars, it may make viewers pay for content on its sites. I personally think this won’t work, but Fox could gamble on the loyalty of its viewers and charge for each online viewing of the The Simpsons, 24, American Idol, etc. It may even choose to set up website subscriptions, such as those seen on adult sites. I could definitely see Fox offering $4.95 a month for unlimited online content.

(Side note: charging for Myspace would be the nail in the coffin for the once prosperous social media site. I guarantee having to pay would drive local bands, film makers, and other media creators from Myspace and on to more independent networking sites.)

This is a battle Brighthouse can’t win on the cable front. However, I wouldn’t be surprised if the battle shifted platforms to the Net very, very soon. If Fox were to leave Brighthouse, Time Warner does hold the trump card of Brighthouse’s internet access. Time Warner could block Fox’s websites from their millions of subscribers. This would prevent the average Brighthouse customer from having access to Fox-distributed media on any platform. Fox would definitely lose money as Brighthouse customers would have to decide where their loyalty lay.

I think we could soon see a day where customers choose their cable/internet distributor based on what content they have multi-media deals with. Of course, if unfiltered, completely neutral wi-fi access is eventually free and open as the radio spectrum is now, we would not only avoid this problem, but would see the end of cable television as we know it.

T’was the Monday after Christmas, and all through work
No one wanted to be there, but the boss was a jerk.
He told me to be in the office on time and not a minute late,
Or else my employment would meet an horrible fate.

I sat in my cubicle staring at my screen,
While thoughts of Christmas still filled my dreams.
Although I couldn’t, I wanted to tell everyone about my new toys,
But I knew the boss would yell if I made a noise.

Damn The Man.

That poem is a work in progress. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday. I definitely did.

A few highlights:

• Ate some homecooking
• Got a few CDs that will definitely make my upcoming Top 10 of 2009 list
• Spent time with my nephew, the great Cancun Scrubbings
• Read an absolutely brilliant holiday ode to Waffle House
• Watched Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas and the Phineas and Ferb Christmas Vacation Special
• Played Wii Bowling and Wii Golf for the first time ever. And kicked butt.
• Received a new Hooters Calendar for the 15th year in a row

(By the way, a question on the 2010 Hooters Calendar. How is there only one girl from Tampa in the whole calendar? It was almost like the Hooters people went out their way to deny Tampa proper representation. I wonder if there is a quota on where the girls are from. Unfortunately, the Hooters Calendar web site does not have a searchable archive like the Maxim Hometown Hotties page. Hooters people, you need to get on that.)

Unfortunately, although I did beg and plead Santa, and even though it is for sale, the Astrodome was not under my tree. Nor the Silverdome. Nor the Alamo Dome. Not even Olympic Stadium.

All I want is a place to call my own, is that too much to ask for?

For those of us who believe, today is a sacred day. A day of worship and of reverence. A day where we gather and remember the birth of the greatest of all-time: Rickey Henderson. We do this by celebrating “Hendersonmas”, a holiday marked by walking, stealing, or scoring.

In case you missed my ode to Hendersonmas 2008, click here.

This year, instead of another lengthy diatribe, I want to leave you with this amazingly touching video. If this song doesn’t move you to spirit of Hendersonmas, then I am afraid you have no soul.

Happy Hendersonmas!

Oh yeah, today is also the day of birth of Calvin Stadiums and the Professor from the great Tampa Bay Rays site Rays Index. Happy Birthday to them too.

Sorry, all. I am putting the finishing touches on a project that will soon be in the new “Downloads” tab below the banner (you did notice that, right?). So here is a reminder to support e-migo Brian Spaeth’s webmovie “Who Shot Mamba?“.

Here is my favorite commercial for the film:

Once again, as it happens every year, the Winter Solstice was upon us. And with the Winter Solstice comes darkness. Deep, foreboding, unforgiving darkness that swallows the very soul of the Earth.

Monday was the night of the nocturnal. When those who despise the light run longest. And in honor of these creatures, it is time to make another trip into the Encyclopaedia Metallum – the most comprehensive  online encyclopedia of heavy metal bands on the Web.

During my first journey into the Encyclopaedia back in early 2007, I found such great bands as Carnivorous Vagina, Nembrionic Hammerdeath, Abwhore, Godwaffle, and the amazingly named Grandma’s Vomit. This time, in celebration of the solstice, I will look only in the most black, deepest, darkest corners of the Encyclopaedia Metallum and see what I can find.

I begin my journey with German death/black/grindcore band Lifelong Virginity. I get the feeling these guys were probably going for a religious themed name, but I bet they got picked on a lot with this name. Who would want to be in a band named after the fact that you are not scoring? Could a name be any more groupie repelling? Had they named it something more dominant, such as Penis Hammer, they might have had a better chance with the ladies. But with a name like Lifelong Virginity, no matter how popular they get (or got, as they broke up in 2003), they were doomed to be a reflection of their band.

Next is the Cult of Fey, a melodic death medal band from the hinterland of Germany. For some reason, I was fully expecting the Cult of Fey to be a parody band or a tribute to Tina Fey, but alas they are indeed real. Unfortunately, their myspace page is in German, so I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. But I am confident they don’t care about Tina at all. No 30 Rock for them.

As many can attest, metal musicians love naming their bands after illnesses, maladies, diseases, and feelings of general pain and suffering. Yet the Finnish melodic black metal band Dehydrated takes that idea to an unreachable level. We’ve all been thirsty, and it sucks.

Last, but certainly not least, we have the Finnish Black/Death metal band Dodge of Death. There isn’t much on these guys on Encyclopaedia Metallum and only pieces of their old website are available through the Wayback Machine. From what I can ascertain, they released a demo in 2003 and then vanished. The demo was ok, from the translation I received from this review.

I must admit, the reason I like the name Dodge of Death is because it reminds me of my first car, a beat-up, piece of crap 1987 Dodge Omni.  To be perfectly honest, back in my early years,  I wasn’t the best driver around. People would often joke that I should have kept life insurance forms in my glove compartment. Even though the Omni was a small car, I still jumped curbs, tried to race Camaros, and even attempted to drive through flooded streets after a major hurricane. Had I thought of the name Dodge of Death, it would have been a perfect fit.

Sometimes I surprise even myself with some of my off-the-wall notions and ideas. What surprises me even more, however, is when I read other people whose ideas are similar to mine.

Last week, after buying lunch at a local fast food drive-thru, I wondered if anyone actually gives in to the suggestion of the drive-thru order-taker-person. You know, those people who ask you if you would like to try a new value meal or a chicken sandwich or any other deal of the day. How effective do you think their suggestions really are? Personally, I think I am of the habit of turning them down, even if moments later I order exactly what they suggest. Rejecting their sale pitch  is second nature.

Anthropologist Grant McCracken touches on this phenomenon in a post entitled, “Culturematics, Choice, and Identity Construction Now“. McCracken states that, “By our choices, consumer, spiritual, political, shall you know us.  It is the way we find, fashion, express and constantly tune selfhood. A good deal of our ideology of selfhood is tied up in the possession of preference and the exercise of choice.”

We don’t want to accept that someone behind a microphone at a drive-thru might know what we want. We want to come to our own choices independently.

(Interestingly, McCracken makes these comments in response to the business practices of another restaurant. Accordingly to McCracken, there was Japanese cafe that “serves you what the last patron ordered“. McCracken analysizes what such randomness does to the idea of choice and identity.)

But what if there was a financial incentive to listen to suggestions? What if you received a significant discount if you said “yes” to the offer of the drive-thru attendant? What if they offered 50% off the meal they suggested? If you only wanted a cup of coffee and they suggested a triple deluxe bacon cheeseburger, of course you might not be interested, but what if your choice was relatively close? Would you sacrifice your choice for theirs?

To make the notion even more interesting, what if the drive-thru attendant asked you if you would like the exact order of the person who drove through prior to you? At what discount would you be willing to conform to the tastes of a total stranger?

Like many forms of underground entertainment, independent professional wrestling organizations often vary in lifespan. Some are able to stay active for years, growing an impressive lineup of alumni who hopefully move on to bigger and better organizations, bringing fame and fortune to the organizations in which they started.

Most independent wrestling organizations, however, are not so fortunate. Like restaurants, they close almost as quickly as they open, becoming minor footnotes in the long history of professional wrestling.

Out the long list of these seemingly fly-by-night federations, a fortunate few are somehow able to gain a cult following. Whether due to their matches, the wrestlers involved, or even the fans, these organizations become etched in the collective consciousness of their local wrestling communities. For wrestling fans of West Central Florida area, Pro Wrestling Eklipse was one of those organizations.

Following the footsteps of more well-known stories on the creation and demise of popular pro wrestling organizations such as WCW and ECW, wrestling fan and Afro-Squad member SnowMan, webmaster of wrestling bulletin board Wrestling911.com, is assembling a documentary on Pro Wrestling Eklipse.

You can see a preview here: