MikeLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

Like many artists, writers, and creative geniuses, I have tons of unpublished material filling up binders, boxes, folders, and file cabinets. These vary from ideas to notions to poems to half-written stories. Every once in a while, I’m going to dust one off and publish it here.

This is a piece I sent to select friends and family back in 2002. It is, admittedly, a bit odd, but it laid the groundwork for one of my best pieces to date, a college graduation editorial entitled “The Lonely Condom”. (I’ll let you guess what that was about.)

Dear Sirs,

It is with the most humble of regret that I must inform you of the legal action my attorneys have advised me to take against you.

I have frequented your website (insert site name) daily for the last three years and during this time I have become frequently aroused by its sexual content.  This arousal has lead to a masturbation addiction that has inflicted upon me deep emotional and physical scars.

Emotionally, this addiction has diminished my sex drive so low real intimacy has become an afterthought. Interaction with the opposite sex is a convenience rather than a necessity.  I have become a slave to my own self-pleasure.

Although the emotional damage may be argued, the physical damage is indisputable.  The constant stroking action on my penis by whatever method of masturbation I have used (hand, rag, etc) has caused the skin of the penis shaft to become rubbed off, exposing raw skin.  This condition has caused constant discomfort that cannot be alleviated by over-the-counter creams and ointments.

After seeing a physician, it was recommended that I receive a skin graft, taking a patch of skin from my buttocks and attaching it to the penis. Unfortunately, the surgery is very expensive and will not be covered by any insurance claim. For this reason, my attorneys have advised me to file a suit against you and your website seeking compensatory damages.  You will receive more information from us in the near future.

Thank you.

Jordi Scrubbings

Ok, yeah, that was weird.