MichaelLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com

Here are my third and fourth favorite comics. Like Carlin and Kinison yesterday, I’m continuing with the masters.

3) Richard Pryor

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren’t coming after me!

Subject/Target: Race in America

Why it’s funny: Pryor was a master at presenting race relations in a humorous way. In this joke, he pokes fun at the perspective of whites in America. He attacks “white privilege” in a way that is sharp, yet anti-establishment. He also makes white people laugh at themselves by revealing things about race that they take for granted or might not think are race related.

Bonus discovery: Richard Pryor from 1964 doing 5 minutes of stand-up:

4) Steve Martin

“I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal high enough so you can look up her dress.”

Subject/Target: Male-Female relationships.

Why it’s funny: Martin took a normal idea – that a man should hold a woman he is with in higher regard or put her on a “pedestal” – and made it literal with the insertion of a mischievous touch that also negated the original idea. The humor is that someone would be so flattering to a woman in order to get an advantage that is perverted or worse, demeaning.

Bonus discovery: Steve Martin on sex

Number 5 and 6 tomorrow!

As I have mentioned a few times before, I’ve been recently dipping my toes in the comic world. So far, so good on stage and in the classroom. Unfortunately however, it has come at the expense of this blog. My posting rate has gone down approximately 33% since I started doing the comedy thing. Instead of reading my wit and wisdom nearly every other day, you have only had roughly two posts a week of my pointed and powerful prose.

So in an effort to leverage my synergy, fully exploit my processes, and migrate completely out-of-the-box, I’ve decided to use this blog for some of my comic endeavors. Specifically, as I read and go through the highly recommended book “Comedy Writing Secrets” by Mel Helitzer, I’ll be posting the exercises here.

Lesson 1: List my 10 favorite comedians and find a joke or quote from each. Then dissect the joke: find the subject/target and explain why it is funny.

#1) George Carlin

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

Subject/Target: Society

Why it is funny: Carlin takes an excepted saying, “the average person”, and analyzes it. By accepting the truth that the “average person” exists, he posits that this “average” should be at the 50% point. Hence, 50% are smarter and 50% are stupider. Carlin also bonds with his audience by deriding this average person. He says “them”, which assumes that his audience is “we”, and that they must be above the average because the audience is there with him.

#2) Sam Kinison

“If you want to stop world hunger, stop sending them food. Don’t send these people another bit folks. You want to send them something, you want to help? Send them U-hauls. Send them U-hauls, some luggage, and send them a guy that goes ‘Hey, we’ve been driving out here every day with your food for the last thirty or forty years, and we were driving out here, through the desert and it occurred to us that there wouldn’t be world hunger if you people lived where the food is! Get out of the desert! You live in a fucking desert! Nothing grows out here! Nothings gonna grow out here! Come here you see this huh? This is sand. You know what it’s going to be in another hundred years from now? It’s gonna be sand!’ ‘Get your kids, get your shit… We’ll take you to where the food is! We have deserts in America, we just don’t live in them ass hole!‘”

(YouTube here.)

Subject/Target: Starving Africans

Why it’s funny: Kinison took the idea of starving people and flipped it. He first brought the crowd down by taking a controversial stance – that we should not help someone. Then he proposed an alternate solution, one that while funny, makes perfect sense. He looked at the situation from a different, non-conventional angle. Kinison also employed the us vs. them idea. That they must be fools for their current predicament and that since we must help them, we might as well do it to avoid future problems.

Numbers 3 & 4 tomorrow!

In my seemingly endless effort to rid my apartment of unread magazines, I stumbled upon an article in an August 2007 Forbes on writer W. Watts Biggers, creator of the legendary Underdog character.

Although Underdog was a smash hit in the 1960s and early 1970s and Biggers published his novel “The Man Inside” in 1968, from the late 1970s to the 1990s Biggers was a man forgotten. He did freelance work, penned several novels that drew little publishing interest, and lived on inheritance.

Then in the 2000s, a live action movie was made from the Underdog cartoon and “The Man Inside” was adapted to screenplay. When asked to sum up the sudden re-awakening in his work, Biggers said this great quote:

“You’ve got to believe that if you work hard and have hope, people will eventually love your stuff.”

Wow.

I’ve been blogging for only four years and I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for barely six months. I am still a rookie in either game. Getting concerned about page views and other wild metrics is a fool’s folly. My goal should be to write and create, whether here, on other sites, or on stage at a stand-up venue.

If I do that long enough, maybe, just maybe someone will like me. They’ll really, really like me.

I come from a family of non-sports fans. On a scale of 1-to-10, they are probably close to a three. My father watches NASCAR and the occasional college football game, my mother has zero interest in sports, and my brother barely watches the sport he is part of – pro wrestling. Sports are just not their thing.

I, on the other hand, always have been a big sports fan. There is always a sporting event on television in my apartment, even if only for background noise as I pen another missive. That’s my thing.

During the holidays I travel across the state to go to my parents’ house, as my apartment is either A) too messy or B) too small for a family gathering. As expected, while at my parents’ house their rules apply, to include their TV preferences.

That’s why I’ve always hated the fact that the NBA puts their best games of the year on Christmas Day. It is the one day of the year when I am outvoted on what to watch. In my parents’ house, the NBA will always lose to “Coming to America”, “Pirates of the Caribbean”, Sponge Bob SquarePants, or 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”.

And call me crazy, but there is no way I’m being antisocial on Christmas. I’m not burrowing off into a room with a TV to watch hoops while the rest of my family joyfully celebrates the holiday throughout the rest of the house. I enjoy seeing my parents, playing with my nephew, and having human interaction too much. Shaq and friends can wait until the day after Christmas.

I’m glad NBA players and coaches are finally speaking out against the NBA’s annual Christmas Day schedule. Sure, they are probably speaking on behalf of players and staff who, because of the games, don’t get to spend time with their families on Christmas Day. I know I am way down the NBA’s concern chain, and I am probably even the sports fan minority, but in my world, if I spent Christmas with the NBA, I wouldn’t see my family either.

I found two hilarious videos on youtube. Both mash-up two of my favorite things: Star Wars and Looney Tunes. Which one do you guys like better?

Duck Dodgers vs Darth Vader

or this brilliant piece that does not allow embedding.

The Empire Strikes Quack

As a veteran, I wanted to give a thought or two on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, as according to the NY Times, the Senate voted to end debate on the issue, leaving President Obama the ability to repeal the 17-year decision.

Two years after “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was enacted, I turned 18 and I joined the military. One of the things I remember most about my recruiting process was a question on one of the final questionnaires.

“Are you a Communist?”

Yes/No

Before I could answer the question, the recruiter snatched the form from me and scratched out the question.

“We aren’t allowed to ask that,” he said.

Apparently, answering “Yes” meant automatic denial of enlistment. The Army didn’t want no stinkin’ Commie pinkos in its ranks.

I always thought “Don’t ask, Don’t tell” was created along the same lines, to limit recruiters from discriminating and limiting the ability to serve based on one lifestyle question.

The repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to me means recruiters can now ask whatever they want about the sexual lifestyle of a potential recruit. That’s not fair.

Following my recruitment, I did three years in a combat unit at Fort Hood, Texas. One of my fellow soldiers was very flamboyant, frequently did the downward wrist bend action, and sometime in 1998, the common rumor was that he was found in bed sleeping with another male soldier.

After the rumor died down and the novelty wore away, the popular consensus was that no one cared.

Now that’s just one soldier in one unit. I have no idea how things were/are anywhere else. But what scares me now is that some prick recruiter can screen recruits by asking a question about their sexual proclivitity.

Somewhere a platoon of Commies smiles.

The other day I was talking to some fellow bloggers and one of them asked, “With information moving as fast as it does, how do we determine what is old versus what is vintage, retro, or anything else”?

I was stumped.

Sure there are a few sites that kinda help, like this one that covers “Vintage vs. Retro vs. Antique” or this one that discusses “Vintage vs Antique vs Classic“, but what about other terms like “throwback” or “passé” or “instant classic”?

So not seeing all the terms on a list, I decided to create my own handy-dandy online guide.

I call it “The Scale of Old”.

Newest to Oldest:

Current – Happening now. The present. Very Zen.

Passé – Not yet old, but so last year.

Instant Classic – Not yet old, but should hold up

Classic – Old and out of vogue, but still admirable. Something you would see with an older generation and both of you would still enjoy.

Retro – Old and campy. Never museum worthy, but culturally relevant.

Antique – Old and pretentious. Worth showing off at home.

Vintage – Old with a modern use.

Throwback – Old with a modern fix.

Old – History book or museum only. Not worth showing off at home.

I don’t know if I have ever told this story before, but I’ve had a few brews and am trying to unwind for the evening, and I don’t feel like working on any major projects. So it’s story time.

Many years ago, like in 1995 or so, I was flying from Tuscon, Arizona to Tampa on a flight to see my family for the holidays. Back then, being young and completely unwise to the ways of booking travel, I found the cheapest flight I could from Arizona back to Florida, one that meant flying all night and arriving at a God-awful hour of the morning. Which also meant someone had to drive two and half hours to the airport to get me and then drive two and a half hours back to Melbourne with me.

The teenage mind thinks not of these things.

Anyway, as I was flying in this late-night flight, for whatever reason I could not sleep. All the other people around me were asleep since the moment the plane took off, but I couldn’t doze off for more than 15 minutes at a time. After waking up for the 18th or so time, I figure I would find something to do. I plugged in the headphones from my walkman into the armrest post and immediately heard one of the most miraculous songs I have ever heard. It was seven minutes of amazing blues guitar soaring over a groovingly soulful rhythm section. There were no words, just passionate playing.

I had never heard such an impressive song. And because as far as I could tell I was the only one awake, it was like the song was playing just for me.

After it was over, the DJ – whoever he was, he could have been the voice of God for all I knew – said the song was Jimi Hendrix playing Albert King and Booker T & the MG’s “Born Under a  Bad Sign”. Then, as if that was the signal my brain needed, I closed my eyes and slept for the duration of the flight.

For months after hearing “Born Under a Bad Sign”, I searched for whatever album it was on. In those days before the internet, that meant going to every record store in town and perusing their Jimi Hendrix selections until I finally found it: Jimi Hendrix Blues – a posthumous collection of Jimi’s best blues recordings.

Fifteen years later, Jimi Hendrix’s cover of “Born Under a Bad Sign” is still one of my favorite songs. The fact that I still enjoy the song makes me think that maybe I was supposed to tune in to that particular station on that particular flight at that particular moment for a reason.

Like it was a sign.

Four years ago, I ventured to Disney’s Swan and Dolphin Resort to check out Major League Baseball’s annual winter meetings. My post on that trip was one of my most popular over at The Serious Tip.

This year, Major League Baseball again hosted the Winter Meetings at the Swan and Dolphin Resort and again I made the trip over there. This time, however, I was “on assignment” from Bus Leagues Baseball. My write-up on the trip is over there, so please swing on by and check it out.

An Outsider’s Return to the Winter Meetings – Bus Leagues Baseball

(This post originally appeared on Bus Leagues Baseball.com)

There are many baseball-related advantages to being a Tampa-based writer. I am 30 minutes from MiLB Headquarters, within an hour from at least five minor league ballparks, and the Rays are only a hop, skip, and a jump across the bridge. But one of the biggest baseball-based advantages to living in Tampa is that I’m in close proximity to the Swan and Dolphin Hotel, frequent host to the Baseball Winter Meetings.

Back in 2006, in one of my first-ever blog posts, I chronicled my first trip to the Baseball Winter Meetings. It was a fun time, highlighted by interactions with Ozzie Guillen, Omar Minaya, Jim Leyland, and Tony LaRussa. I was a fan, and they were larger than life baseball personalities. I was in awe.

Four years later, I find myself in a different phase of life. I’m obviously still blogging, but this time my goal is to be taken a little more seriously. I’m no longer blogging about baseball under an alias and I’ve reached out to various other writers through the years for support and advice. Although I may still clown around under an afro wig at a game, I now consider myself a legitimate writer.

Albeit a part-time one.

And that is a big disadvantage in a place like the Winter Meetings. Wandering the halls and lobbies of the Swan and Dolphin Hotel, I saw plenty of professional baseball reporters in their natural habitat. They were tapping away at their Blackberrys, tweeting rumors, breaking news, and using their network of sources like they were case workers at Interpol. All the big names were there: Jason Stark, Tim Kurkijan, and even the legendary Peter Gammons.

I was just a guy with a green notebook and pen that ran out of ink.

Of course, even though my chances of rubbing elbows with baseball’s bourgeoisie were slim, I did take in the sheer magnitude of one of Disney’s finer resorts. Trust me when I say the Mouse spares no expense. Giant Christmas trees, Santa Claus displays, and a quartet of carolers singing the sounds of the season were only a few of the temporary decorations. The hotel itself is also extravagant, with giant swan statues adorning its facade, fountains and columned walkways connecting the various buildings of the resort, and various restaurants, to include the famous Shula’s Steakhouse.

Even though I didn’t do much socializing with baseball’s elite, I did talk to a few people. The first, and from a bus leagues perspective most important, was Minor League Baseball President Pat O’Conner. You may remember my interview with Mr. O’Conner from a few weeks ago. Fortunately, O’Conner remembered it as well. So we talked for a few minutes, but as the head of the organization responsible for organizing the Winter Meetings, Mr. O’Conner was quite busy.

So I continued my aimless wandering, once nearly running into Nolan Ryan and his bodyguards. I don’t know if he was lost on his way to the Rangers’ dinner reception or if he walked with security because of his stature as an all-time great, but seeing Nolan Ryan with a posse in tow did not surprise me at all. I think at this point Nolan Ryan has transcended baseball and become a legend – one of our few remaining links to the typical American, John Wayne-type hero.

A few hours later, I met with a few friends of Bus Leagues Baseball. Fellow MiLB fan Nykki aka @Nyk29 and fellow blogger Evan Brunell. Nykki was there for the job hunt, having traveled all the way from Washington State to be involved in baseball. That’s dedication and best of luck to her.

Evan, on the other hand, was there with CBSSports.com. Over plates of overpriced salads, we talked about our backgrounds; how we knew the not-quite-legendary co-founder of Bus Leagues Baseball, Eric Angevine; our equal admiration for Tim Wakefield; and the latest news and nuggets from the day in baseball.

After finishing dinner with Evan, I decided to walk around the lobby a few more times to see what I could see. Within minutes I was a few steps away from former manager and front office guru Jack McKeon as he talked about his use of Josh Beckett in the 2003 World Series. I also talked briefly to Tampa Bay Rays owner Matt Silverman. As a Rays part-time season ticket holder, I thanked him for putting on a good product. I don’t know if ownership people hear that very often, but I thought it was good idea to tell Silverman that I enjoy myself at his events.

As it was getting late I made an effort to network with at least one more writer before I making my grand escape. After seeing a tweet by Craig Calcaterra, friend of e-migo Jonah Keri and Blogger-in-Chief at HardballTalk at NBC Sports.com, I figured I would take a chance to say hello to another complete stranger.

So I tweeted Calcaterra, namedropped Keri, and asked Craig if I could meet him. Craig was kind enough to meet up with me and talk blogging for a few minutes. In exchange for my business card, he imparted on me some writing and career advice – non-guaranteed words of wisdom for making it in the highly competitive field of sports writing.

And with that, and as rumors stopped and the baseball’s bourgeoisie engaged in a late night cocktail hour, I again exited the Baseball Winter Meetings and made the trek back to Tampa, this time a step wiser and more networked than I was four years ago, but still with much more work to do.