Jan 22

Auroch fighting WolvesWay back in the day, when I could have had it my way, before I did marches, I worked for the golden arches.

That’s right, my first job was flipping burgers and slinging McMuffins at Mickey D’s. I did that gig during my senior year of high school before I decided to be all I could be.

Outside of the fact that I sometimes got food for free, working at McDonald’s pretty much stunk. Although I didn’t mind coming home smelling like onions and mustard a few times a week, and finally making more than my parents’ allowance was a good thing, my beef (get it? ha ha) was that I was never on a consistent schedule. Depending on the manager, sometimes I worked 25 hours a week, sometimes four. Good thing I didn’t need much cash, because I couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

Even though it has been nearly 15 years since I was in the food business, it might be time to reacquaint myself with some culinary skills. According to an article on the Telegraph.co.uk website, Italian scientists are primed and ready to do some genetic manipulating and bring back an ancient species of cattle called the Auroch that “weighed around 2,200lb and stood 6.5 feet at the shoulder”.

That’s a lot of burgers.

(P.S. Oddly, for whatever reason, the Nazis also tried to bring back the Auroch back in the 1930s.)

(P.P.S. If the farts of regular-sized cows are supposed to be bad for the environment, wouldn’t Auroch farts be worse? Wouldn’t their farts be larger and more powerful? Is the payoff of more plentiful burgers and steaks worth destroying the environment?)

(P.P.P.S. I say yes.)

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Dec 20

DRIVE-THRUSometimes I surprise even myself with some of my off-the-wall notions and ideas. What surprises me even more, however, is when I read other people whose ideas are similar to mine.

Last week, after buying lunch at a local fast food drive-thru, I wondered if anyone actually gives in to the suggestion of the drive-thru order-taker-person. You know, those people who ask you if you would like to try a new value meal or a chicken sandwich or any other deal of the day. How effective do you think their suggestions really are? Personally, I think I am of the habit of turning them down, even if moments later I order exactly what they suggest. Rejecting their sale pitch  is second nature.

Anthropologist Grant McCracken touches on this phenomenon in a post entitled, “Culturematics, Choice, and Identity Construction Now“. McCracken states that, “By our choices, consumer, spiritual, political, shall you know us.  It is the way we find, fashion, express and constantly tune selfhood. A good deal of our ideology of selfhood is tied up in the possession of preference and the exercise of choice.”

We don’t want to accept that someone behind a microphone at a drive-thru might know what we want. We want to come to our own choices independently.

(Interestingly, McCracken makes these comments in response to the business practices of another restaurant. Accordingly to McCracken, there was Japanese cafe that “serves you what the last patron ordered“. McCracken analysizes what such randomness does to the idea of choice and identity.)

But what if there was a financial incentive to listen to suggestions? What if you received a significant discount if you said “yes” to the offer of the drive-thru attendant? What if they offered 50% off the meal they suggested? If you only wanted a cup of coffee and they suggested a triple deluxe bacon cheeseburger, of course you might not be interested, but what if your choice was relatively close? Would you sacrifice your choice for theirs?

To make the notion even more interesting, what if the drive-thru attendant asked you if you would like the exact order of the person who drove through prior to you? At what discount would you be willing to conform to the tastes of a total stranger?

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Oct 26

This baseball season I was on the receiving end of 97 free doughnuts, one for every Rays win, and a whole bunch of free Papa John’s Pizza, one for every time the Rays struck out 10 or more opponents in a game.

Thanks to Jason Bartlett and Taco Bell, the entire nation is now the recipient of the Rays’ generosity. So now lunch this Tuesday is also free. You better believe I’ll wait a few hours to get a free taco, although the boss might not be too happy. Maybe I’ll bring him one.

Word on the street is that the free stuff doesn’t end with the close of baseball season. With the rumored release of Guns’N'Roses’ long-awaited Chinese Democracy on November 25th (finally!), Dr Pepper has decided to make true on it’s promise to give everyone in America a free can of Dr Pepper in conjunction with the GnR release.

So that’s doughnuts, pizza, tacos, and Dr Pepper. All for the perfect price: Free.

And everyone wonders why America is overweight. Free water and wheat thins are so boring.

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