Today’s idea has been marinating in my melon for a dozen years or so, but was re-inspired by a post I read on the NY Times Freakonomics blog in late August.

According to Freakonomics, a web-based company called ticketfree.org was briefly advertising a service that would pay up to $500 in moving violations for an annual cost of $169. Of course, ticketfree.org, like other insurance companies, was set up so that they made a profit if their customers didn’t get tickets, or at least received violations of less than $169 per year. And speaking from experience, that’s either two tickets for “failure to observe a traffic control device” (stop sign, red light, etc) or a speeding ticket of 8 to 12 mph over the speed limit, at least here in Florida.

Possibly due to legal quandries or moral ramifications ticketfree.org shut down shortly after opening.

So much for that idea.

However, ever since I got my second ticket, I’ve had an idea similar in benefit to ticketfree.org, but vastly different in process. Instead of trying to out-finagle the system, my plan actually works within its boundaries. And my plan is financially lucrative for both parties, something ticketfree.org lacked.

I’d like to see pre-paid ticket plans.

Kinda like pre-paid cards at Target or Wal-Mart.

Here’s how it would work:

From December 1st to December 31st, drivers can set up an account with the Clerk of Court of their choice. From there, they can fill the account with up to $1,000. This $1,000 is then applicable to any non-accident violation. That money is good for one year. By December 31st of the following year, drivers have the option to renew or get their money back.

This plan would benefit both the government and the driver.

The county/state/government element receives a lump of money up front in the beginning of every year. They can then invest that money for a calendar year, hopefully earning interest for the benefit of the proceeding year’s budget.

Drivers benefit by receiving a debit-like card they can carry on their person and if pulled over, can immediately use to pay off the violation.

Unlike ticketfree.org, my plan does not try to reduce the amount of a penalty, it only makes the transaction easier to pay. Which, of course, saves time, postage, and stress.

Although the financial penalties remain the same within $1000, I would also add a stipulation to avoid abuse of the system. If a cardholder incurs any costs beyond $1000, their fee to the state/county/”The Man” is doubled.

What do you guys think? Could it work?

Well, not really the Bible Jesus, but the Second Coming, Seven Signs, Apocalypse, and all that. Real wrath of God-type stuff.

What if Jesus were to come back and just show up today?

First, if His arrival was universally accepted as the Second Coming of the Son of God it would be a miracle in and of itself. We have too many cynical, opinionated, so-called experts, analysts, and other media prognosticators out there whose only job in life is to disagree and sell that opinion to the masses. Disagreement sells and debating the Second Coming would definitely move products and sell ads.

“Tonight on FOX, O’Reilly talks about the Second Coming of Jesus with a bishop of the New York Diocese and Bishop Magic Don Juan! It’s can’t miss viewing!”

But even if all billion Christians agree on the New Jesus, there are still 5-6 billion other people on Earth. Let’s say Jesus comes with the Mahdi, and many of the 1.2 billion Muslims support the effort, that’s still barely a third of the world’s population and less than the populations of China and India combined.

Good luck breaking into that market.

Of course, if Jesus arrived in a third-world country, people of the first-world might dismiss Him as at best a heretic and at worst a kook. There is no way He could sway the global opinion of the first world within the first few years of preaching and proselytizing. There is too much competing for the attention of the people in Western culture for them to recognize a new Savior.

“Hey, there is a guy in Nigeria who has supposedly fed 3,000 people with just a basket of fish.”

“Oh really? Did you see American Idol last night?”

“Yeah.”

(Kinda like Gil Scott Heron’s Small Talk at 125th and Lennox.)

Needless to say, Jesus would need to make a splash. Although I don’t think that’s His style. I don’t think He is the kind of guy who would try to jump to the front and toot His own horn.

But what about His disciples? Would there be disciples for the Second Coming?

With all we know about everyone these days, how would Jesus select new disciples? I don’t think He would go the game show route. I doubt there would be an American Idol-style selection show to pick the people to hang with the Son of God.

Maybe He would peruse Facebook for people who meet His criteria.

Here is another question: Would His new disciples be a collection of all the world’s people? I can imagine someone complaining that Jesus’s new disciples don’t represent them.  Imagine the editorials if Jesus’s new posse didn’t contain someone from a major ethnic group. Would that infer they aren’t going to be saved or that they don’t have the favor of God?

As the old disciples were basically Jesus’s public relations team, I wonder what the roles of the New Disciples would be. Would they be Jesus’s hype people, like religious versions of Flavor Flav? Would they create a Facebook page? Would Twitter be the platform of the new Hadith? You gotta wonder if Jesus would select New Disciples not only based on their ethnicity, but also on what public relations, advertising, writing, and marketing skills they bring to the table.

If that’s the case, yo Yahweh, I can blog.

(Image from the movie Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter.)

What, did the gold in his mouth turn his gums green?

More moons ago than I would like to count, I had quite a bit of dental work done. I had braces, an array of retainers, my wisdom teeth and four others removed, and then braces again. For lack of a better term, my teenage years were a trial in orthodontics.

Even right before I left for the Army, I was, as we say around the way, “on wire”. I remember the day we told my orthodontist that the braces had to go. He was not a happy camper. He had plans for me. Plans that included additional oral surgery (the recommended surgeon told us he wanted to break my jaw in four pieces and then reassemble it!)  and two more rounds of braces. This at a cost of well over 15,000 dollars.

Of course, before we resigned from his orthopedic adventure, he and his cabal warned me. They warned me that if not in a few years, then definitely when I was in my 20s the back of my jaw would start clicking against itself. Then it would be painful to eat. Then, who knows, maybe my jaw would fall off.

Not only did their premonition not come true when I was in the Army, but 11 years later, my jaw is still fine. No clicking. No clacking. No grinding. No pain.

Hear that, Lil Wayne? I didn’t delay my commitments. I took my chances.

Here is another question: Why doesn’t anyone ever have to get gas or run out of gas? I have to fill my tank roughly once a week. That’s once every seven days. If I was involved in a high speed car chase on a random day, there is a 1 in 7 chance that my car would be low on gas. And that would impede my ability to have a decent chase.

Most importantly, however, is my biggest pet peeve about the movies. Where is the long arm of the legal system? Things happen, stuff blows up, people die, cars crash, escape pods are jettisoned, enemies vanquished, and yet in very few movies is legal action taken.

The only movies I remember where people are hampered via lawsuit are Ghostbusters II and The Jerk. The characters in those movies have to recover from the evil court system just as normal people would.

(If you haven’t noticed, I’m not counting legal dramas like To Kill a Mockingbird. Of course those movies had trials. The characters were lawyers. What else would they do?)

Here are a few other movies I think should have had some legal action:

Transformers – There is no doubt someone should have to pay for the destruction, terror, and mayhem caused by the Autobots and the Decepticons. Giant robots smash a city and no one pays? Someone should have to play the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed role and face the music for the devastation. Mr. Witwicky, father of Sam Witwicky, should have taken the fall.

Gremlins – This is a no-brainer. Mr. Peltzer buys a mogwai for his son. The mogwai spawns gremlins. The gremlins kill people and destroy the town. Ipso facto, Mr. Peltzer, being responsible as he would be for the actions of his pets, is responsible for the action of the gremlins. My guess is that he would have faced a large fine and definitely some jail time, bring new meaning to the term “bathroom buddy”.

Star Wars – Where do I start? Where were the war tribunals? The Empire blew up a freakin’ planet. Someone has to take the fall for that. They also committed countless atrocities, from religious persecution to enslavement to cruel and unusual torture. They broke business agreements, killed innocent jawas, and freely and willingly engaged in kidnapping. Sure Vader, the Emperor, and Grand Moff Tarkin are dead, but I sure some of those in charge survived. Where was the Star Wars version of The Hague?

Terminator – Instead of sending soldiers back and forth from the future, why didn’t anyone send lawyers? I don’t think it would have been that big of a stretch to prove that the apocalyptic vision of Sarah Conner was real. Especially after what happened in Terminator 2.  Skynet could have been put out of business early, before the robots took over. They could have had their assets froze and their R&D department closed. That would have stopped the tragic events of August 29, 1997.

Wait a second … That day was pretty uneventful. Except for the Rais Massacre in Algeria, which to my knowledge was not caused by robots, nothing of note happened. Maybe the lawyers did come from the future and stop Skynet.

Who Shot Mamba? - In this Internet phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation, protagonist Merri Sherman is accused and interrogated in the killing of his friend Mamba. His interrogation by Detective Tracy Riggs was nothing less than demeaning and unprofessional. What if Sherman had filed charges against Riggs immediately upon his escape from Riggs’ clutches? Sure, a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened, but it could have prevented other stuff from happening. That’s called a domino effect.

What other movies would have been drastically altered by the inclusion of the legal system?

This is a piece I sent to select friends and family back in 2002. It is, admittedly, a bit odd, but it laid the groundwork for one of my best pieces to date, a college graduation editorial entitled “The Lonely Condom”. (I’ll let you guess what that was about.)

Dear Sirs,

It is with the most humble of regret that I must inform you of the legal action my attorneys have advised me to take against you.

I have frequented your website (insert site name) daily for the last three years and during this time I have become frequently aroused by its sexual content.  This arousal has lead to a masturbation addiction that has inflicted upon me deep emotional and physical scars.

Emotionally, this addiction has diminished my sex drive so low real intimacy has become an afterthought. Interaction with the opposite sex is a convenience rather than a necessity.  I have become a slave to my own self-pleasure.

Although the emotional damage may be argued, the physical damage is indisputable.  The constant stroking action on my penis by whatever method of masturbation I have used (hand, rag, etc) has caused the skin of the penis shaft to become rubbed off, exposing raw skin.  This condition has caused constant discomfort that cannot be alleviated by over-the-counter creams and ointments.

After seeing a physician, it was recommended that I receive a skin graft, taking a patch of skin from my buttocks and attaching it to the penis. Unfortunately, the surgery is very expensive and will not be covered by any insurance claim. For this reason, my attorneys have advised me to file a suit against you and your website seeking compensatory damages.  You will receive more information from us in the near future.

Thank you.

Jordi Scrubbings

Ok, yeah, that was weird.