Ok, maybe it’s not Keanu, but this is the greatest movie the name “Jordi Scrubbings” has been in since the infamous “Flash vs. The Aliens” (coming soon!).
Thoughts?
Feb 24
Feb 03
I wish there was more realism in the movies. I’m tired of movies trying to toe the line between fantasy and reality but becoming so fantastical as to lose the point. For example, how come bad guys never shoot straight? Unless otherwise designated as a “sharpshooter” with a scope and other doo-dads, bad guys couldn’t shoot the broad side of a barn. They couldn’t shoot the water if they were standing on the beach.
Here is another question: Why doesn’t anyone ever have to get gas or run out of gas? I have to fill my tank roughly once a week. That’s once every seven days. If I was involved in a high speed car chase on a random day, there is a 1 in 7 chance that my car would be low on gas. And that would impede my ability to have a decent chase.
Most importantly, however, is my biggest pet peeve about the movies. Where is the long arm of the legal system? Things happen, stuff blows up, people die, cars crash, escape pods are jettisoned, enemies vanquished, and yet in very few movies is legal action taken.
The only movies I remember where people are hampered via lawsuit are Ghostbusters II and The Jerk. The characters in those movies have to recover from the evil court system just as normal people would.
(If you haven’t noticed, I’m not counting legal dramas like To Kill a Mockingbird. Of course those movies had trials. The characters were lawyers. What else would they do?)
Here are a few other movies I think should have had some legal action:
Transformers – There is no doubt someone should have to pay for the destruction, terror, and mayhem caused by the Autobots and the Decepticons. Giant robots smash a city and no one pays? Someone should have to play the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed role and face the music for the devastation. Mr. Witwicky, father of Sam Witwicky, should have taken the fall.
Gremlins – This is a no-brainer. Mr. Peltzer buys a mogwai for his son. The mogwai spawns gremlins. The gremlins kill people and destroy the town. Ipso facto, Mr. Peltzer, being responsible as he would be for the actions of his pets, is responsible for the action of the gremlins. My guess is that he would have faced a large fine and definitely some jail time, bring new meaning to the term “bathroom buddy”.
Star Wars – Where do I start? Where were the war tribunals? The Empire blew up a freakin’ planet. Someone has to take the fall for that. They also committed countless atrocities, from religious persecution to enslavement to cruel and unusual torture. They broke business agreements, killed innocent jawas, and freely and willingly engaged in kidnapping. Sure Vader, the Emperor, and Grand Moff Tarkin are dead, but I sure some of those in charge survived. Where was the Star Wars version of The Hague?
Terminator – Instead of sending soldiers back and forth from the future, why didn’t anyone send lawyers? I don’t think it would have been that big of a stretch to prove that the apocalyptic vision of Sarah Conner was real. Especially after what happened in Terminator 2. Skynet could have been put out of business early, before the robots took over. They could have had their assets froze and their R&D department closed. That would have stopped the tragic events of August 29, 1997.
Wait a second … That day was pretty uneventful. Except for the Rais Massacre in Algeria, which to my knowledge was not caused by robots, nothing of note happened. Maybe the lawyers did come from the future and stop Skynet.
Who Shot Mamba? - In this Internet phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation, protagonist Merri Sherman is accused and interrogated in the killing of his friend Mamba. His interrogation by Detective Tracy Riggs was nothing less than demeaning and unprofessional. What if Sherman had filed charges against Riggs immediately upon his escape from Riggs’ clutches? Sure, a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened, but it could have prevented other stuff from happening. That’s called a domino effect.
What other movies would have been drastically altered by the inclusion of the legal system?
Jan 14
A few weeks ago, I introduced a documentary that the fine webmaster of Wrestling911.com was doing on a recently closed wrestling organization in the Tampa area. This documentary, entitled “The Rise and Fall of PWe”, is now on YouTube.
Here are links to each chapter:
Chapter 1 – The History of Pro Wrestling Eklipse – Introduction
Chapter 2 – PWE Originals and New Talent
Chapter 5 – JoBob’s Fight Club
Chapter 6 – The Hybrid Championship
Chapter 8 – The Gangstas vs. The James Boys
Chapter 9 – The Irish Blood Bath
Chapter 10 – The Ultra Violent Title
Chapter 12 – What Could Have Been Done Differently?
I definitely recommend taking a look at at least one of these chapters. The filmmaker did a really good job, especially being that this was his first foray into documentary making. As Darren Aronofsky’s “The Wrestler” showed, the majority of the pro wrestling business takes place far, far away from the fame and fortune of the WWE. PWe might have only been a blip on the radar, and perhaps only a few dedicated fans might have seen it from its inception, but for the wrestlers there it represented many hours of sweat, blood, and tears. This is not only the story of a failed wrestling organization, it is also the story of those performers, and it deserves to be heard.
Dec 23
Sorry, all. I am putting the finishing touches on a project that will soon be in the new “Downloads” tab below the banner (you did notice that, right?). So here is a reminder to support e-migo Brian Spaeth’s webmovie “Who Shot Mamba?“.
Here is my favorite commercial for the film:
Dec 20
Like many forms of underground entertainment, independent professional wrestling organizations often vary in lifespan. Some are able to stay active for years, growing an impressive lineup of alumni who hopefully move on to bigger and better organizations, bringing fame and fortune to the organizations in which they started.
Most independent wrestling organizations, however, are not so fortunate. Like restaurants, they close almost as quickly as they open, becoming minor footnotes in the long history of professional wrestling.
Out the long list of these seemingly fly-by-night federations, a fortunate few are somehow able to gain a cult following. Whether due to their matches, the wrestlers involved, or even the fans, these organizations become etched in the collective consciousness of their local wrestling communities. For wrestling fans of West Central Florida area, Pro Wrestling Eklipse was one of those organizations.
Following the footsteps of more well-known stories on the creation and demise of popular pro wrestling organizations such as WCW and ECW, wrestling fan and Afro-Squad member SnowMan, webmaster of wrestling bulletin board Wrestling911.com, is assembling a documentary on Pro Wrestling Eklipse.
You can see a preview here:
Dec 15
I was thinking about things to write about today and I couldn’t think of any. So I was going to make a video. Then I remembered I don’t have a camera. So I was out of luck. Then I said, “Hey, why don’t I post a video from that youtube site everyone is always talking about.”.
Good idea, me.
So I set about to scour the youtubes for something. Something that is uniquely me, but done by someone else. Something so interesting, few people have seen it. Something so intriguing, the masses would be awed.
My first choice was Arsenio Hall’s semi-classic rap video “Large and in Charge”. But I couldn’t find it. No dice.
My second choice was Skee-Lo’s classic video “I Wish”, but the genius who posted it on youtube prohibited embedding.
So I settled on a scene from the underground cult classic “The Forbidden Zone”.
(Warning: contains a brief blackface scene and a boob. Not the most politically correct, I’ll admit.)
Do you think Flash Hercules had any earlier adventures? Would you trust him to save the world?
Dec 11
Back at ye olden site, I used to do link posts every once in a while. I haven’t done one in a while, but here is what I was reading today.
We’ll start with everyone’s favorite TV personality, Mr. Glenn Beck, and his war of words with Polish people everywhere. (Weekly World News)
Basketball player Tim Thomas, last seen in the crowd on Monday Night Raw, uses some wrestling skills in a Denny’s in Dallas. (Deadspin)
Former 3rd Bass rapper Pete Nice is in deep kimche over some old historical baseball memorabilia. (SI.com)
In Redman and Method Man’s classic “How High”, Ben Franklin invented the first bong, and now according to the WWN he was also a big porn aficionado. (WWN)
Russian Microsoft loses 1 billion a year due to pirates. Computer piracy, obviously. Not swashbuckling, eye-patch wearing Somalis with RPGs. (Global Voices Online)
According to Mashable.com, Americans consume 34 gigabytes of data per day. Me? I consume 1.21 gigawatts.
There will soon be a National Museum of Hip Hop in the Bronx. I wonder who would go to the Bronx to see a museum. (Grandgood)
Elsewhere across the world, Facebook and Twitter are having an impact on blogging in Cambodia.
Finally, first it was Panic Attack!, now a Columbia company is preparing to release an animated version of Romeo and Juliet featuring a virus cell and a white blood cell. Interesting. Here is the trailer:
Ok, which one of these did you like the best? Do you think a virus could ever be friends with a white blood cell?
Dec 02
Quick post today as I am not only in the middle of some projects, but as the title above implies, I have a dentist appointment in the AM and I need my beauty sleep.
Some thoughts on going to the dentist:
I think going to the dentist is one of my least favorite places to go. I am not a big fan of going the DMV to renew my license, going to the courthouse to pay my speeding tickets, or going to work. But I understand I have to go to work. It’s kinda essential. I need to make money to put gas in my truck so I can go back to work. I don’t like it, but I understand it.
Here is my list of places I don’t like to go (in no particular order):
- The Dentist
- The DMV
- Court
- Work
- Anywhere that involves shots
- Wal-Mart
- Airports
- Funeral Homes
- Old People Homes
- Hospitals
- Really pretentious malls and stores
- Victoria’s Secret (especially by myself)
- Wine bars that don’t serve beer
- The barber
- Iowa
Before I go, here is Steve Martin’s classic dentist song from Little Shop of Horrors:
Peace out.
Nov 23
Much to the chagrin of many people, I think too much. It happens all the time. Almost unconsciously. For some strange reason, whenever anything happens I can’t just relax and let it go without having an opinion or attempting to fit whatever it is in my personal schema.
This includes movies. Even those that come with a disclaimer that “plot is sacrificed for the sake of explosions, porn, or kick-ass kung fu”. Yup, even those I do too much thinking about.
Needless to say, an odd thought entered my cerebellum this weekend as I watched Star Wars: Episode III.
Did the Empire have a Casualty Notification process? How did they convey the news of the deaths of Imperial Officers and troops to the family they came from?
(I know most Stormtroopers were clones, at least through the Clone Wars Era. They didn’t really have families, unless the Empire sent all the notices to Boba Fett, as he was their only next of kin. But the officers and other staff members had to have families. I don’t think they were clones.)
I can’t fathom the scope of the job of the Imperial Casualty Notification Office. Especially after the destruction of each of the Death Stars.
Here is how I think an Imperial death notice written after the Death Star explosion may have read:
“Dear Sir or Maam,
Perhaps you heard, the Galactic Empire recent suffered a grave loss at the hands of rebel scum. Your son, (insert officer’s name), was killed when these rogues destroyed our bastion of security, the Death Star. He, along with 31,622,963 fellow Imperial military members, lost their lives in the service our beloved Emperor.
In these sad times, be assured your loss is our loss. Your son was a valued member of our armed forces and the Emperor and Lord Vader have vowed to find and punish those responsible for his death. They will join us or be destroyed.
Sincerely,
Galactic Empire Secretary of War/Defense”
(By the way, on the subject of remembering those who perished in the Death Star explosion, check out this hilarious College Humor.com video of Stormtroopers reminiscing.)
Of course, the idea of death notices should not be limited to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. What about the scores of other goons, henchmen, minions, and lackeys who were beaten, pummeled, or generally defeated at the hands of heroes? Who informed their loved ones? Did they have loved ones?
Take for example this scene from Bruce Lee’s classic Enter The Dragon.
By my count, Bruce Lee knocked out 49 thugs in this 4 minute clip. Some just received a kick to the head, while others were flipped through glass, tossed into water, mauled by prisoners, or had their necks broken. It is, without a doubt, a cornucopia of kung-fu casualty creation.
But again I wonder, were the loved ones of these baddies informed of their unfortunate demise? Whose responsibility was it to write the families of these men and let them know their son, brother, husband, lover wouldn’t be home for any more Thanksgivings, Christmases, or any other holidays? For whatever reason, I imagine a stereotypical middle-aged woman in a secretary role slaving over a typewriter filling out form after form after form and then getting them signed and put in the mail as soon as possible.
I wonder what she would put as the cause of death. Knocked out by hero?
Apr 28
Dearly Beloved,
While normally we gather to bury the underachieved, the pathetic, and the downtrodden, today we bury a legend. Today we mourn the loss of the patron saint of sassy old ladies everywhere, the delectable, amazing Bea Arthur.
Miss Beatrice Frankel was born in New York just before the Great Depression. She lived a bunch of years then got into acting. She was good at it.
In the great year of 1971, Miss Bea showed her mettle against the immortal Archie Bunker. Bea’s “Maude” character was the bane of the conservative, bigoted, pre-Sarah Palin sect. If her character was around today, she would have been called a heretic and crucified by the disciples of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.
But still Bea marched on, matching George and Weezy as the most successful spin-off of Archie and Edith. After “Maude”, Bea helped usher in the debut of the baddest bounty hunter the galaxy has ever seen. Then she moved to Miami to live with her mother, a ditzy loon, and the world’s oldest slut.
Like many of my generation, Bea Arthur stands on the pantheon among the most awesome old babes. She was cool without having to be cool. The old lady you wouldn’t mind having a beer with and maybe even smoking a doob with (I have no idea if Bea Arthur actually smoked weed, but it would be cooler if she did). Also, to top it off, she is the only woman over 65 I ever imagined naked, thank you Brendan Fraser.
On a related note, the Golden Girls now join the Beatles and the Who as amazing quartets who only have two surviving members as Estelle Getty left us last year.
So here’s to you, Bea Arthur. Thank you for pissing off the Right, introducing Boba Fett, being a voice of reason in a house of dopey Dade County dames, being the sexual fantasy of wannabe rockers everywhere, and giving me 3 points in the Thunder Matt Fantasy Death League.
Rest in peace, Bea. You will be missed.
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