Once again, as it happens every year, the Winter Solstice was upon us. And with the Winter Solstice comes darkness. Deep, foreboding, unforgiving darkness that swallows the very soul of the Earth.

Monday was the night of the nocturnal. When those who despise the light run longest. And in honor of these creatures, it is time to make another trip into the Encyclopaedia Metallum – the most comprehensive  online encyclopedia of heavy metal bands on the Web.

During my first journey into the Encyclopaedia back in early 2007, I found such great bands as Carnivorous Vagina, Nembrionic Hammerdeath, Abwhore, Godwaffle, and the amazingly named Grandma’s Vomit. This time, in celebration of the solstice, I will look only in the most black, deepest, darkest corners of the Encyclopaedia Metallum and see what I can find.

I begin my journey with German death/black/grindcore band Lifelong Virginity. I get the feeling these guys were probably going for a religious themed name, but I bet they got picked on a lot with this name. Who would want to be in a band named after the fact that you are not scoring? Could a name be any more groupie repelling? Had they named it something more dominant, such as Penis Hammer, they might have had a better chance with the ladies. But with a name like Lifelong Virginity, no matter how popular they get (or got, as they broke up in 2003), they were doomed to be a reflection of their band.

Next is the Cult of Fey, a melodic death medal band from the hinterland of Germany. For some reason, I was fully expecting the Cult of Fey to be a parody band or a tribute to Tina Fey, but alas they are indeed real. Unfortunately, their myspace page is in German, so I have no idea who they are or what they are all about. But I am confident they don’t care about Tina at all. No 30 Rock for them.

As many can attest, metal musicians love naming their bands after illnesses, maladies, diseases, and feelings of general pain and suffering. Yet the Finnish melodic black metal band Dehydrated takes that idea to an unreachable level. We’ve all been thirsty, and it sucks.

Last, but certainly not least, we have the Finnish Black/Death metal band Dodge of Death. There isn’t much on these guys on Encyclopaedia Metallum and only pieces of their old website are available through the Wayback Machine. From what I can ascertain, they released a demo in 2003 and then vanished. The demo was ok, from the translation I received from this review.

I must admit, the reason I like the name Dodge of Death is because it reminds me of my first car, a beat-up, piece of crap 1987 Dodge Omni.  To be perfectly honest, back in my early years,  I wasn’t the best driver around. People would often joke that I should have kept life insurance forms in my glove compartment. Even though the Omni was a small car, I still jumped curbs, tried to race Camaros, and even attempted to drive through flooded streets after a major hurricane. Had I thought of the name Dodge of Death, it would have been a perfect fit.