Feb 09

The Left-Handed Revolution

By Jordi Scrubbings Poetry 3 Comments »

Here is a poem I wrote about left-handed people striking out against their right-handed oppressors. Being left-handed is something I’m proud of and I try my best to carry on the legacy of the great lefty geniuses, generals, and gentlemen who made jive-turkeys genuflect from July to June.

¡Viva la Revolución de los Zurdos!

(The Rising of the Left)

Round up the troops!

Call all volunteers!

No longer will we be sinister,

backwards,

or goofy-footed!

Left-handed People!

Descendants of Ehud (Judges 3:27),

the killer of a king,

ruler of the Chosen People,

We Shall Rise Again!

Oppressed in a “right” society for too long.

We are outcasts.

Scissors, can openers shall no longer puzzle us.

We’ll redesign the rifles

so shells no longer scar our cheeks!

We will let the fighting spirit of Napoleon,

Caesar, and the Great Alexander guide us.

With the intellect of Ford, Einstein, and Benjamin Franklin

to our credit,

We shall not fail!

With 32 million nationwide,

we are outnumbered,

but organization can defeat population!

Start with secret handshakes.

Plans will be encoded in conversation.

Decoded only by the “right” side of the brain.

We must claim our own land!

Beat the hands of the noncompliant

with wooden sticks

as they beat ours so long ago!

So let us take a stand!

Fight this war to be Free!

¡Viva la revolución de los zurdos!

Post script: Perusing the ‘net, there is one other site that uses the term “left-handed revolution“. Unfortunately, they don’t talk about ceasing power. They do however make the very insightful claim that “left-handed people may be the most secretly oppressed people in the world”.

How absolutely true.

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Jan 24

A poem about Jordi Scrubbings

By Jordi Scrubbings Poetry No Comments »

(Like many artists, writers, and creative geniuses, I have tons of unpublished material filling up binders, boxes, folders, and file cabinets. These vary from ideas to notions to poems to half-written stories. Every once in a while, I’m going to dust one off and publish it here. Here is a poem about the name “Jordi Scrubbings”.)

I created my alias in January 1999.

Jordi from that little French baby

who appeared on MTV in the early 90s.

Scrubbings from Dick Scrubbings,

a guy my friend Chris played in a talk-show we made.

Jordi became a character in a home movie as well.

Flash vs. The Aliens: The Earlier Adventures of Flash Hercules (coming soon)

Together Jordi and Flash (again played by Chris)

worked for ANUS

(the Alien Neutralizing Underground Society).

Protecting the world from the Hartoonians and ANAL

(the Anti-Neutralizing Alien League)

and their attempt at planetary takeover.

Now Jordi is my online persona.

An instant message screen name

and a From label on outgoing emails.

Most of my friends know its me,

but Amazon, Yahoo, Google, and the world have no clue.

The other day Jordi talked a little trash

to my 15-year old cousin.

He had no clue who it was

and called me a faggot.

I told him if he knew who he was talking to

he wouldn’t have said that.

Then I told him to tell his mom I said hi.

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Dec 31

Happy New Year from Jordi Scrubbings

By Jordi Scrubbings Holidays, Philosophical, Poetry No Comments »

Before we welcome in a new decade (my 5th!), I’d like to take a brief moment for reflection and remembrance with a Zen koan by Ryokan:

nyårAnother year lingers to an end;
Heaven sends a bitter frost.
Fallen leaves cover the mountain
And there are no travelers to cast shadows on the path.
Endless night: dried leaves burn slowly on the hearth.
Occasionally, the sound of freezing rain.
Dizzy, I try to recall the past-
Nothing here but dreams.
- Ryokan (1758?-1831)

This is the second time I’ve posted this koan. The first was at the end of 2006 as a part of my last post of my first year of blogging. That post also contained several haikus on what I thought was going to happen in the world of sports in 2007. For those curious, I got 3 of 11 right. I guess on the physic scale I am more Miss Cleo than Edgar Cayce.

In case you are curious, among my amazingly incorrect predictions were that the NFL Network would go under (nope, still going strong), Shaquille O’Neal would retire (4 years and 2 teams later he is still active), and hockey would be back on ESPN (still on Versus, still not seen outside of Canada).

Oh well, Happy New Year!

(Pic acquired from the blog A Swedish Alien in California.)

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Dec 29

Kitchen Revolution

By Jordi Scrubbings Creative Banter, Poetry No Comments »

Here is a little poem I’ve been noodling with over the last week. Something random.

Kitchen spatulas

Attack like tarantulas

Spare only neighborhood treasurers

Their spouses locked in slaughterhouses

Banging for help in the code of Morses

General spoons riding in on horses

Phlebotomists tangle with solutions

Nooses tied around the handles of knives who doth protested

The damnation of dalmatians

While those bitten by Siamese kittens

Could only count the scars.

Pots and pans lay the groundwork

Microwaves keep the frequency

Communications flow easily

Through comparable components used to cooperation

Can openers slice their way past defenses

Soulless toasters dance to the rhythm in sequences

Victory employed coroners

The result of woks whacking their owners

Business was good the day

Mixers, whiskers, and egg beaters turned the tables

And revolted against the eaters.

Note: after finishing this poem, I googled “spatulas”. Apparently the Internet is a strange place and I am not the only one inspired by the idea of violent kitchenware. Check out the movie Spatula Madness. It is about a group of spatulas who fight giant wooden spoons. Although not quite the animated version of my poem, it is close enough for me to know “Kitchen Revolution” will never be turned into the next Avatar.

Oh well.

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Dec 28

T’was the Monday after Christmas

By Jordi Scrubbings Holidays, Poetry 1 Comment »

xmas 2008 004T’was the Monday after Christmas, and all through work
No one wanted to be there, but the boss was a jerk.
He told me to be in the office on time and not a minute late,
Or else my employment would meet an horrible fate.

I sat in my cubicle staring at my screen,
While thoughts of Christmas still filled my dreams.
Although I couldn’t, I wanted to tell everyone about my new toys,
But I knew the boss would yell if I made a noise.

Damn The Man.

That poem is a work in progress. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great holiday. I definitely did.

A few highlights:

(By the way, a question on the 2010 Hooters Calendar. How is there only one girl from Tampa in the whole calendar? It was almost like the Hooters people went out their way to deny Tampa proper representation. I wonder if there is a quota on where the girls are from. Unfortunately, the Hooters Calendar web site does not have a searchable archive like the Maxim Hometown Hotties page. Hooters people, you need to get on that.)

Unfortunately, although I did beg and plead Santa, and even though it is for sale, the Astrodome was not under my tree. Nor the Silverdome. Nor the Alamo Dome. Not even Olympic Stadium.

All I want is a place to call my own, is that too much to ask for?

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