Star Wars

Feb 03

Movies and the short arm of the legal system

By Jordi Scrubbings Legal, Movies, Star Wars No Comments »

I wish there was more realism in the movies. I’m tired of movies trying to toe the line between fantasy and reality but becoming so fantastical as to lose the point. For example, how come bad guys never shoot straight? Unless otherwise designated as a “sharpshooter” with a scope and other doo-dads, bad guys couldn’t shoot the broad side of a barn. They couldn’t shoot the water if they were standing on the beach.

Here is another question: Why doesn’t anyone ever have to get gas or run out of gas? I have to fill my tank roughly once a week. That’s once every seven days. If I was involved in a high speed car chase on a random day, there is a 1 in 7 chance that my car would be low on gas. And that would impede my ability to have a decent chase.

Most importantly, however, is my biggest pet peeve about the movies. Where is the long arm of the legal system? Things happen, stuff blows up, people die, cars crash, escape pods are jettisoned, enemies vanquished, and yet in very few movies is legal action taken.

The only movies I remember where people are hampered via lawsuit are Ghostbusters II and The Jerk. The characters in those movies have to recover from the evil court system just as normal people would.

(If you haven’t noticed, I’m not counting legal dramas like To Kill a Mockingbird. Of course those movies had trials. The characters were lawyers. What else would they do?)

Here are a few other movies I think should have had some legal action:

Transformers – There is no doubt someone should have to pay for the destruction, terror, and mayhem caused by the Autobots and the Decepticons. Giant robots smash a city and no one pays? Someone should have to play the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed role and face the music for the devastation. Mr. Witwicky, father of Sam Witwicky, should have taken the fall.

Gremlins – This is a no-brainer. Mr. Peltzer buys a mogwai for his son. The mogwai spawns gremlins. The gremlins kill people and destroy the town. Ipso facto, Mr. Peltzer, being responsible as he would be for the actions of his pets, is responsible for the action of the gremlins. My guess is that he would have faced a large fine and definitely some jail time, bring new meaning to the term “bathroom buddy”.

Star Wars – Where do I start? Where were the war tribunals? The Empire blew up a freakin’ planet. Someone has to take the fall for that. They also committed countless atrocities, from religious persecution to enslavement to cruel and unusual torture. They broke business agreements, killed innocent jawas, and freely and willingly engaged in kidnapping. Sure Vader, the Emperor, and Grand Moff Tarkin are dead, but I sure some of those in charge survived. Where was the Star Wars version of The Hague?

Terminator – Instead of sending soldiers back and forth from the future, why didn’t anyone send lawyers? I don’t think it would have been that big of a stretch to prove that the apocalyptic vision of Sarah Conner was real. Especially after what happened in Terminator 2. Skynet could have been put out of business early, before the robots took over. They could have had their assets froze and their R&D department closed. That would have stopped the tragic events of August 29, 1997.

Wait a second … That day was pretty uneventful. Except for the Rais Massacre in Algeria, which to my knowledge was not caused by robots, nothing of note happened. Maybe the lawyers did come from the future and stop Skynet.

Who Shot Mamba? - In this Internet phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation, protagonist Merri Sherman is accused and interrogated in the killing of his friend Mamba. His interrogation by Detective Tracy Riggs was nothing less than demeaning and unprofessional. What if Sherman had filed charges against Riggs immediately upon his escape from Riggs’ clutches? Sure, a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened, but it could have prevented other stuff from happening. That’s called a domino effect.

What other movies would have been drastically altered by the inclusion of the legal system?

Nov 23

Cause of Death: Knocked Out By the Hero

By Jordi Scrubbings Kung Fu, Movies, Philosophical, Star Wars No Comments »

Much to the chagrin of many people, I think too much. It happens all the time. Almost unconsciously. For some strange reason, whenever anything happens I can’t just relax and let it go without having an opinion or attempting to fit whatever it is in my personal schema.

This includes movies. Even those that come with a disclaimer that “plot is sacrificed for the sake of explosions, porn, or kick-ass kung fu”. Yup, even those I do too much thinking about.

Needless to say, an odd thought entered my cerebellum this weekend as I watched Star Wars: Episode III.

Did the Empire have a Casualty Notification process? How did they convey the news of the deaths of Imperial Officers and troops to the family they came from?

(I know most Stormtroopers were clones, at least through the Clone Wars Era. They didn’t really have families, unless the Empire sent all the notices to Boba Fett, as he was their only next of kin. But the officers and other staff members had to have families. I don’t think they were clones.)

I can’t fathom the scope of the job of the Imperial Casualty Notification Office. Especially after the destruction of each of the Death Stars.

Here is how I think an Imperial death notice written after the Death Star explosion may have read:

“Dear Sir or Maam,

Perhaps you heard, the Galactic Empire recent suffered a grave loss at the hands of rebel scum. Your son, (insert officer’s name), was killed when these rogues destroyed our bastion of security, the Death Star. He, along with 31,622,963 fellow Imperial military members, lost their lives in the service our beloved Emperor.

In these sad times, be assured your loss is our loss. Your son was a valued member of our armed forces and the Emperor and Lord Vader have vowed to find and punish those responsible for his death. They will join us or be destroyed.

Sincerely,

Galactic Empire Secretary of War/Defense”

(By the way, on the subject of remembering those who perished in the Death Star explosion, check out this hilarious College Humor.com video of Stormtroopers reminiscing.)

Of course, the idea of death notices should not be limited to a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. What about the scores of other goons, henchmen, minions, and lackeys who were beaten, pummeled, or generally defeated at the hands of heroes? Who informed their loved ones? Did they have loved ones?

Take for example this scene from Bruce Lee’s classic Enter The Dragon.

By my count, Bruce Lee knocked out 49 thugs in this 4 minute clip. Some just received a kick to the head, while others were flipped through glass, tossed into water, mauled by prisoners, or had their necks broken. It is, without a doubt, a cornucopia of kung-fu casualty creation.

But again I wonder, were the loved ones of these baddies informed of their unfortunate demise? Whose responsibility was it to write the families of these men and let them know their son, brother, husband, lover wouldn’t be home for any more Thanksgivings, Christmases, or any other holidays? For whatever reason, I imagine a stereotypical middle-aged woman in a secretary role slaving over a typewriter filling out form after form after form and then getting them signed and put in the mail as soon as possible.

I wonder what she would put as the cause of death. Knocked out by hero?